How Kaiba Seto Learned to Woo
by DarkShadowFlame
Summary: Kaiba Seto has finally found a woman who refuses to throw herself at his feet. Naturally, he proposes. And naturally, Anzu suspects foul play. Bakura taking credit doesn't help the situation much.
1. In which Anzu will not go out with Seto

**How Kaiba Seto Learned to Woo**

* * *

Summary: Kaiba Seto has finally found a woman who refuses to throw herself at his feet. Naturally, he proposes. And naturally, Anzu suspects foul play. Bakura taking credit doesn't help the situation much. This is a semi-parody and silly OOC-ness abounds!

* * *

**Chapter 1 – In which Anzu will not go out with Seto**

* * *

Contrary to the snide remarks Jounouchi frequently made about Kaiba Seto being a celibate machine who hid in a cave all day, the handsome, rich, and powerful man did ask out women all the time.

"_Would you care to accompany me for dinner Saturday night?"_

"_Will you do me the honor of attending a play with me this Sunday?"_

"_I would be delighted if you would join me on my yacht tonight."_

It was just that when they eagerly said yes…

"_Well, it's my best friend's twenty-first birthday, and all of our other friends and her family members contracted food poisoning and are in the hospital and unable to attend, but I'm sure she'll understand if I tell her I have the chance to date KAIBA SETO!"_

"_Well, I was supposed to go out with my boyfriend, I think he was going to propose, but let me just tell him my plans have been changed – I would LOVE to go out with you!"_

"_Well, I was supposed to attend both my parents' funerals, as they both died so tragically and unexpectedly, and to be a model of support to my younger siblings who are in bouts of hysteria, but naturally I'll just have one of them take pictures or something, because I would have to be a FOOL to say no to YOU!"_

…he had a nasty habit of walking away.

Some people just needed to get their priorities straight.

* * *

"Um… Anzu?"

The shy voice belonged to Nuuki, a too-tall, slightly-overweight, very-pimply girl with glasses, braces, frizzy hair, and no friends. Nuuki had spent several minutes just working up the courage to talk to someone as pretty and smart and popular as Anzu.

"Yes?" Anzu said, looking up from her last-minute studying before school began and smiling nicely.

Relieved that she wasn't being teased, Nuuki smiled back. "I, um, got some money for my birthday last week and, well, I wanted to get some new clothes." She self-consciously tugged at her fraying orange sweater. "I was hoping that maybe you would come with me to the mall? And help me pick out something nice?" She blushed. "I mean, I understand if you're too busy, or if you don't want to, or-"

"Oh, sure! It sounds like fun!" Anzu said sincerely, closing her book and pushing it aside. She beamed up at Nuuki. "A trip to the mall would be excellent. What day is best for you?"

"For- me?" Nuuki tugged at her sweater again. "Um… Friday?"

"Friday it is, then! After school?"

"That's perfect!" Nuuki responded in relief. "Thanks, Anzu. You're so nice."

"It's no problem," Anzu said, blushing a little. "You've always been really nice to me too. I look forward to our trip!"

And she said it with such simplicity that Nuuki believed her.

Narrowed blue eyes watched from the back of the classroom as Anzu asked Nuuki how her birthday went, effectively drawing the other girl into conversation. Seto Kaiba closed his laptop and splayed his fingers on the cool surface, thinking.

It was no wonder Nuuki had seemed so nervous asking Anzu to accompany her; from what he had observed, the other girl was constantly teased by the shallow, so-called popular females in the school. Anzu's reaction had been, he was forced to admit, kind. He tried to think of an insult, to put her back in her place.

_Nuuki must be pretty desperate for companionship… Hope she's going to go buy a nice, furry pair of earmuffs while spending an entire afternoon with Mazaki._

He forced himself to smirk, even though he knew it was pathetic. Two aisles away, Jounouchi saw Seto smirking. Jumping to the conclusion that Kaiba was making fun of _him_ (which wasn't really that far-fetched; in fact, this was a rare exception), he flicked a pencil back. If Seto hadn't been so absorbed in keeping the smirk on his face, and thinking dark thoughts about how obnoxious Anzu was, he might have noticed. He was, however, temporarily obsessed. After the pencil hit him in the forehead, he immediately switched over to thinking what an idiot Jounouchi was, and things returned to normal.

Until he suddenly decided that he was going to ask Anzu out on a date. For Friday afternoon.

Seto was very tired of testing women, only to find out that they were exactly as airheaded as he thought, and that they would drop important plans in a second to be with him. Now he wanted to put Anzu to the test. Perhaps he was hoping viciously that she would fail, and turn her back on Nuuki, and be proven just as worthless as the rest. The girl was too damn sweet for her own good – and most especially, for Seto's own good, because he had noticed several suspiciously mushy feelings stirring inside him lately – and she needed to be taken down a peg, so he could finally forget about her.

…But perhaps he wanted her to say no. To decline him, to choose Nuuki over him, just as she had always preferred Jounouchi and Yuugi and even Honda over him. Because then he would know that she was different, that she was no sycophant fan, that she was as genuine as she always appeared to be.

_Seto, your logic is seriously screwed up_, his voice of reason told him sardonically.

He hated people speaking to him sardonically.

He hated that his voice of reason sounded like Anzu.

He hated screwed-up logic.

He hated that he didn't care nearly as much as he ought to, which would of course involve not wanting to hear any inner voices at all.

* * *

Anzu sat patiently through her morning classes and when the lunch bell rang, gathered up her books in a slow and dignified manner. This was much more than could be said for Jounouchi and Honda. After snoring through math, foreign language, and history, they both bolted out of their desks and raced to the door, reaching it at approximately the same time and shoving each other out of the way.

"Gerroff-"

"My food is waiting-"

"-you lug!"

"-and I'm starving!"

They disappeared. Yuugi trotted after them, getting lost in the onrush of taller students. Anzu took her time getting ready; they all agreed to simply meet in the cafeteria, since the hallways were so crowded.

She was slower than usual today, because they'd started a new history unit, and she wanted to file the day's notes appropriately. Finally, she swung her bag up and over her shoulder, accidentally hitting Seto in the stomach.

"I'm sorry! I didn't expect anyone to be standing there!" Anzu blurted, taking a step back, craning her neck to be able to look at his intimidating six-foot-one frame. "…Ah, so why _are_ you right there, Kaiba? Can I help you with something?"

He put on his most charming expression (which caused Anzu to take on a great look of alarm, which caused Seto to be annoyed; what, didn't she find him charming?). "Anzu…" he said in a low voice. "This Friday, right after school, I'm flying to New York with Mokuba to see a ballet performed by Madame DeCormier. Would-"

"You're flying to New York? Friday?" she interrupted, and he had to fight back a scowl. She was already changing the plan. She always did that. "Wow. Sounds like fun. Will you be there for the weekend?"

"Yes," he said, trying to regain some of his smoothness. "The ballet is on Saturday, and we'll return Sunday. Mokuba was wondering – that is, _I _was hoping-" Seto smiled at her, really pushing this, "-I would be delighted if you would join us. I'll pay for everything, of course."

"Oh, _wow_," Anzu said again, breathlessly. Seto's stomach flipped, and his heart either rose in triumph or sank in despair. It was hard to tell, especially when the last composed portion of his brain was stubbornly insisting that his heart had actually remained stationary, even if it was beating a little louder. "Madame DeCormier is amazing. That sounds incredible – I wish I could come. Unfortunately, I've already made plans with a friend. But thank you for asking; I'm sure you'll have fun without me."

She smiled at him, then without further ado began to walk out of the room. Seto had frozen in place, numb. _She… said no? She turned me down? ME?_

"Wait a moment," he said, grabbing her arm. "You can't turn me down!"

Anzu turned slowly to face him, and there it was: that spark in her eyes. The one that had first appeared in Duelist Kingdom, when she chewed him out for wanting to jump off a building (or something of the sort; it was hard to remember an event that didn't exist, since Seto had decided that nothing having to do with Pegasus existed, especially things relating to the Millennium Eye or "magic" or anything despicable like that). The spark that had sustained her when Marik kidnapped her, and Anzu had told Seto to forget her and save the others. The spark that had somehow carried all her friends to victory (for that was the only way Mouto could really keep pulling those wins from midair, or Jounouchi-the-mutt could have gotten even to the semi-finals). The spark that had been there as she argued with him again, and again, in Noah's virtual world, and aboard his blimp, and on the ground, and all the times in between (arguing with her was infinitely more pleasant than with Jounouchi; Anzu's breath was sweeter, she didn't threaten to punch him, and she was so pretty with her face all flushed angrily).

_I love that spark_, Seto nearly found himself thinking dreamily. Of course, he caught himself long before such a thought occurred: It simply wouldn't be appropriate.

It was then that he became aware that Anzu was yelling at him; had been, in fact, for the last five minutes, while he obsessed about the spark in her eyes.

"-so typical of you, Kaiba Seto! We've tried and tried to give you chances, but you've just been too stubborn for too long. I honestly don't understand how anyone can be so singularly arrogant, but you continually exceed expectations!" She wrenched her arm away and gave him a dirty look. "Haven't you learned anything about pride? Namely, that it's not an attractive trait in excess? Remember Pegasus? And Marik? And Dartz? Sometimes I worry that you'll end up like that, Kaiba, with your ego the size that it is. I wouldn't go out with you for anything in the world!" Anzu flounced away, still muttering under her breath, her shiny hair swinging back and forth as if mocking him.

Seto vowed to marry her someday.

* * *

Anzu's temper had abated by the time she reached the cafeteria and she plunked her slender body between Bakura Ryou and Yuugi, ignoring Jounouchi and Honda as always, until they had finished stuffing themselves and were once more capable of rational speech. She and Ryou exchanged cheerful conversation while Yuugi looked through his deck and wondered about some new additions. Jounouchi finished slightly before Honda, shoving his empty tray away with a satisfied sigh. "I thought I wasn't going to make it today," he announced at large.

Anzu and Ryou exchanged amused glances. "I doubt that you weren't going to make it, Jounouchi," Anzu laughed.

"And I saw you sneaking that donut during homeroom," Ryou added.

Jounouchi's eyes suddenly darkened, his fists clenched, and he stood up menacingly. Ryou cringed, wishing he remembered that even mentioning the word 'donut' made Jounouchi a little crazy, until the blonde barked "What're you doin' here, Moneybags?"

For once, Seto completely ignored his rivals – even Yuugi. "Anzu, please," he said, snatching up her hand and pressing it to his chest. "Go out with me. Any day you are free, I will be waiting."

Jounouchi abruptly sat back down, nearly overturning his chair. Honda choked on the last of his meal; Yuugi knocked over a pile of Duel Monster's cards and scrambled to stack them up neatly again.

Anzu gazed up at Seto, completely taken aback. His eyes looked softer than she remembered. And his hand was awfully warm… _I should give him a chance_, she told herself. _Maybe he's trying to change. It wouldn't be fair, and it would be pretty hypocritical, if I rejected him now._ She tentatively smiled at him, trying to make peace. "I'll apologize for yelling at you if you apologize for your attitude before," she offered.

Seto paused. He blinked. His face twitched.

"Apologize? What's that?"

In the next second, he found himself clutching the air to his chest; Anzu's small hand was gone. Another second later, Honda was missing the rest of his lunch and Seto was wearing a plate of mashed potatoes. He just caught sight of Anzu's back marching out of the cafeteria, her brown hair still swinging mockingly.

Jounouchi was literally on the ground laughing.

* * *

The mall. The ultimate evilness. Mokuba loved it, of course; Seto had never tried to deny that his little brother was part evil. When Seto suggested a brotherly trip to the mall, Mokuba was thrilled, albeit a little puzzled by his older sibling's behavior. Once they were at the mall, and Seto casually asked Mokuba how to win a girl's heart, the raven-haired boy finally decided that Seto needed some 'alone-time' to think about life and dashed away to the video game store.

"Fine," Seto called after his retreating little brother. "Chicken. I'll just find out how to win a girl's heart on my own…"

Mokuba paused long enough to look back at Seto and shake his head, then disappeared amidst throes of shoppers.

Immediately, Seto grabbed the arm of the first female he saw, a tall college-aged girl with curly purple hair. "How do you win a girl's heart?" he asked desperately.

She stopped, gave him a once-over, and smiled. "Well, I'm not going to lie, I prefer the direct approach. Heavy flirting, light touches to the arm, maybe flash some cleavage."

Seto liked where this was going, but wondered how to get Anzu to do that.

"I think going out for ice cream is a good first date, although if I didn't know the girl too well, maybe a study date would be nice."

Seto snorted. "As if I study."

She stared at him. "Whatever. So there's this lady you wanted to introduce me to?"

Seto stared back for a few long seconds, quickly growing frustrated by not understanding what she meant, because he hated ignorance. Finally, it clicked.

"I didn't mean _literally_ you!" he exclaimed before storming away.

* * *

Seto continued wandering the mall, now deeply troubled. His encounter with the lesbian woman had brought a previously unthought-of possibility to mind. What if that pretty woman stole Anzu from him? Was Anzu even straight? If she were interested in any males, she would have to be interested in Seto Kaiba – it was just a fact of life – and since she had expressed no interest in going out with him, she _must_ be a lesbian!

Seto shook his head vehemently to rid himself of this terrible thought. If she were a lesbian, he had no hope, and since he always got what he wanted, she _must_ be straight!

There it was again… Anzu's sarcastic little voice in his head. _Screwed-up logic again, Seto_, she teased him, then paused. _Oh, and I'm not gay_.

That was a relief. With a smile on his face, Seto continued his quest for someone who could tell him how to win Anzu's heart. He wanted to avoid any more strangers who could potentially steal Anzu from him, so this time he waited until he saw a person that looked vaguely familiar.

He strode over to the little redhaired girl looking in a shop window and tapped her on the shoulder. The second she turned to face him, he practically bellowed, "I DEMAND TO KNOW HOW TO WIN THE AFFECTIONS OF A STUBBORN FEMALE!"

She stared at him wide-eyed, and he finally recognized her as the mutt's little sister, right before said mutt tackled him to the ground. Pedestrians shrieked, Shizuka threw up her hands in disgust, and Jounouchi growled. "Trying to hit on my sister now? First Anzu at lunch… now Shizuka?"

"I wasn't trying to hit on Shizuka," Seto responded coldly, brushing Jounouchi away and rising quickly to his feet. The mutt sprang up, baring his teeth in a distinctly canine-like way. "I was trying to obtain information from Shizuka on how to successfully hit on Anzu."

Shizuka's shocked expression remained and Jounouchi's jaw nearly hit the ground as Seto turned to stride away, rather satisfied with himself. But his dramatic exit was ruined by Shizuka calling after him, "You could always try asking nicely!"

He spun around, grimacing. "I _tried _asking!" he said petulantly. "But she's so – so stubborn!"

"I said _nicely_," Shizuka retorted, with a grimace of her own.

Seto paused. "Isn't there _another _way?"


	2. In which Bakura creates a problem

**Chapter 2 – In which Bakura creates a problem**

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Dear reviewers: You guys are SO amazing! It's been a long time since I've posted anything new so I was unsure how this story would go over, but I am soooo happy that you were all kind enough to comment. THANK YOU and this chapter is dedicated to you wonderful people!

* * *

"Last resort," Seto muttered under his breath. "There's a small chance that Shizuka girl might know what she's talking about, but the last thing I want to do is talk with _her_ about winning Anzu over. No, I don't need her now, but she'll be filed away in the back of my mind. Like the reserves. When the big guns are exhausted, pull out the little guys! But I think I can win this war with the big guns… Anzu must like big guns, right?"

"Big brother, you're scaring me," said Mokuba from the passenger seat. "Can you please concentrate on not crashing?"

"Kaiba Seto does not crash!" he said indignantly, as he swerved sharply to the right to avoid hitting a motorcycle; he cut off a pickup truck, which promptly veered to the side, crashed into a convertible, and caused a three-car pileup. "Everyone else gets out of my way or suffers the consequences. I'd better make sure Anzu's little friends know that too…" and he was off again.

"Can I have cookies for dinner?" Mokuba asked.

"…the pointy-haired one likes to tackle people, I've noticed, so I'll have to keep him in my peripheral vision…"

Mokuba tightened his seatbelt and decided to take that as a yes.

* * *

"Does Anzu have any pets?"

Considering that it was Kaiba Seto asking that question, and that it was Bakura Ryou he was asking, the query was unsurprisingly followed by silence. Annoyed, Seto poked Ryou's shoulder.

"What was that for?" Ryou exclaimed.

"Oh, so you _can_ talk."

"Of course I can talk!"

Seto shrugged. "I'd never heard you before, so I wasn't sure."

"What do you mean you've never heard me? Of course you've heard me speak!"

"I didn't pay attention," Seto explained reasonably.

"We've been in the same classes at school for months. I was at Duelist Kingdom! I was a finalist in Battle City!" Ryou's voice cracked indignantly.

"Oh," Seto said, "is that why your hair looks so familiar?"

Ryou stomped off. Seto's spirits were not easily crushed, and he grabbed the next of Anzu's friends that he saw. "Does Anzu have any pets?"

Honda tended to be much less suspicious than Jounouchi, so he merely shrugged. "Yeah. Why?"

"I'm going to kidnap it and hold it hostage until Anzu agrees to date me," Seto explained. He didn't put too much stock in Honda's brainpower and wasn't worried about the other boy ratting him out. True to his expectations, Honda simply raised an eyebrow.

"Sounds like a plan…" he said, hurrying off quickly so that Kaiba couldn't see the grin creeping onto his face. He slipped into his seat in history just before the bell rang. As Ayami-sensei began roll call, he leaned over and whispered to Anzu. "How's your corn snake doing?"

"Still really bad-tempered," Anzu whispered back, her brow furrowing. "She tried to bite me yesterday. I think it'll be a while before she's used to people."

"That's great," Honda said, smiling widely.

* * *

"You look tired," Ryou said sympathetically as Anzu slammed her bag on the desk the next morning.

"You look awful," Jounouchi said more accurately, but less tactfully.

"I didn't get much sleep last night," Anzu said through gritted teeth.

"Whyever not?" Seto asked innocently, appearing over her shoulder. "You should let me take you on a nice restful date this afternoon."

Jounouchi, still unused to Seto's pursuit of his friend, made a funny noise as he choked on his tongue. Yuugi helpfully pounded him on the back.

"I didn't get much _sleep_," Anzu said, turning around so her frigid glare would penetrate Kaiba, "because I was awoken in the middle of the night by _somebody_ screaming like a girl, with his arm in my snake cage and my snake attached to his hand!"

"You don't know who it was though, because it was dark, and he escaped through the window before you could turn on the light," Seto said reasonably, glancing down at his right hand, which bore puncture wounds exactly the size of snake teeth. "Also, your pyjamas are really cute."

"I think that's breaking and entering," Yuugi said uncertainly.

"What are you, the midget police?" Seto snapped. "And for your information, leaving a window unlocked is practically asking for visitors. How was I to know it wasn't a petting zoo? I mean, there were animals."

"When was the last time you've been to a 'bring-your-own-ladder' petting zoo? My window's on the second story!" Anzu snapped back.

"I didn't bring a _ladder_, I brought a _trampoline_."

"Hey, you're afraid of snakes?" Jounouchi asked, finally reentering the conversation with a wide doggy grin.

"I'm not afraid of snakes," Seto said with dignity. "I could have been screaming like a girl for any number of reasons."

"Why would you be afraid of snakes?" Anzu asked, rolling her eyes. "They're like dragons without wings."

This gave Seto pause. Jounouchi was about to tease him again when Seto's face suddenly broke into a soft, charming smile. Anzu's heart fluttered dangerously and she completely forgot for a moment that he was an idiot and a jerk. "We're so alike, you and I," he said with a rich chuckle, reaching out and smoothing a lock of her hair aside. Anzu regained enough of her thought process to remember that she had been too sleepy to shower or brush her hair this morning. "You've got dragons on the brain too." He gazed deeply into her eyes, and his hand got caught in a snarl on her head. Luckily, the yank on her head also yanked her back to her senses.

"Yuugi's right," Anzu said, trying to pull her head away, which just resulted in Kaiba's hand getting more tangled in her hair. "Breaking into my house in the middle of the night is illegal."

"Nonsense," Seto said, also trying to remove his hand from her snarled hair. "I bought out the bank that owns your mortgage."

This was too much for Anzu. "You're still creepy!" she exclaimed. "You snuck into my bedroom!"

"Hey," Seto said, finally dislodging his hand, and frowning at her. "Everyone thought it was romantic when the guy from Twilight did it."

This was _definitely_ too much for Anzu. Luckily, Honda jumped in. "You've read Twilight?" he asked quizzically.

"No," Seto said immediately, but his eyes were shifty, and he finally left Anzu alone. In fact, he left everyone alone until halfway through their Biology class.

"Does anyone know the taxonomic ranks?" Tanaka-sensei asked. She was met with silence. "The highest is Kingdom…?" Still nothing. Her eyes sought out Anzu, who could normally be counted on to raise her hand, but Anzu was still exhausted from the debacle last night and was dozing on her lab stool. "Kaiba Seto? Can you enlighten us?"

"Mokuba wanted it as a bedtime story, okay?" he snapped.

* * *

"Hold on guys, I have to take this call," Anzu laughed, turning away from her friends. "Hi, mom?"

"I better get going," Yuugi announced, standing up. They'd gone out for pizza after school, but it was time for him to return to the Game Shop and help out his grandfather. "See you tomorrow, everyone!"

"Bye, Yuugi," Jounouchi and Ryou chimed. "Seeya," Honda added. He and Jounouchi wrestled over the last piece of pizza, and Ryou tried not to get brained by a flailing elbow, and it was a long time before they noticed that Anzu had hung up the phone and was staring off into space.

"Okay," Jounouchi said guiltily. "I know you only had one piece so you can have a bite of this last slice…"

"What's wrong, Anzu?" Ryou asked somewhat more perceptively.

"I…" she blinked and shook her head. "My parents just got a call from the bank. Apparently our mortgage has been paid off."

"Congrats!" Honda cheered.

"No, no, _we_ didn't pay it off," Anzu said in frustration. "When my parents asked why, the bank just told them it was an engagement present."

The boys fell silent, remembering Kaiba's announcement from earlier.

"He paid off my _neighbors'_ mortgages too!" Anzu exclaimed. "Why is Kaiba _doing _this?"

"He's a warm-hearted, generous soul?" Jounouchi suggested. There was a pause, and then the whole table burst out laughing. Anzu's laughter, however, came out slightly hysterically.

"Really," she said, her voice strained, "why is he doing this? Sure, he likes to flaunt his money and do outrageous things, but why has he fixated on me all of a sudden? He asked me out, and then decided to marry me, and now he's buying houses for my whole block! Did someone poison his water or anything? I mean…" her voice dropped. "You don't think someone could have _done_ something to him, could they? If Pegasus decided he was out for revenge… or Marik… or…" her eyes drifted over to Ryou, and she quickly glanced away.

There was a moment of silence, and then unexpectedly, Ryou laughed. Anzu quickly looked back over at him – no, not _him_, but the other one. "Dark" Bakura, or whatever the spirit liked to call himself.

"Bakura," she said swiftly, "did you do something to Kaiba?" Bakura merely laughed. Ryou tried to say something, but Bakura had completely taken over. Ryou mentally made a frustrated noise, but Bakura ignored him.

"What did you do to him?" Anzu demanded. "Tell me how to make it stop! I don't want Kaiba bothering me anymore!"

"Come now," Bakura grinned, "Hasn't it been entertaining?"

"No," Anzu said, eyes narrowed, at the same time that Jounouchi said "Definitely!" "It's been embarrassing. And it's not right! You're making Kaiba do things he wouldn't normally do! When he snaps out of it, he's going to be so mad that he bought the whole bank!"

"Probably won't even notice, actually," Honda chimed in.

"Make it _stop_," Anzu said, leaning forward with steely eyes. Had she directed that look at anyone other than Bakura, who had a near-suicidal lack of self-preservation, the victim would have fled in terror. As it was, Honda, who was sitting closest to Bakura, edged away nervously, and Jounouchi made sure he had a clear shot to the door.

_Did you really do something to Kaiba?_ Ryou asked his counterpart.

_Of course not_.

_Why would you possibly confess to something you didn't do?_ Ryou asked, exasperated.

Bakura smirked (infuriating Anzu). _It's so much more fun this way. Now she'll be suspicious of Kaiba. Maybe she'll even try to explain to him that he's been brainwashed – can you imagine his reaction?_

"Bakura!" Anzu yelled once more. Bakura shifted his attention away from the mental conversation. "I'm not kidding! Do something about Kaiba!"

"Oh, relax," he said, leaning back in his seat and stealing the last slice of pizza from a frozen Jounouchi. "I can't undo anything, so you'll just have to wait for it to wear off."

_Bakura! Bakura Bakura Bakura!_ Ryou moaned, throwing a very loud temper tantrum within the confines of his own head. _Pleeeease don't make my friends' lives miserable!_

_Ryou, you've asked me that a thousand times, and my answer is always the same,_ Bakura said patiently.

* * *

Anzu's normally sweet demeanor had suffered thanks to her recent trials and tribulations, and she just hoped that people didn't question Bakura Ryou too closely about his black eye. (That, she felt really guilty about.) However, shopping with Nuuki on Friday cheered her up. The girls giggled and tried on clothes and Nuuki got a haircut and Anzu experimented with dramatic purple eyeliner that she ultimately decided made her look like the lovechild of a hooker and a clown. She had a genuinely fun time, so on Monday, when Nuuki's usual lunch companion was absent, Anzu invited the other girl to sit at her table.

"This is Nuuki, guys," Anzu said, putting her bagged lunch on the table. Nuuki smiled shyly and gingerly sat down next to Anzu.

"Aw, we know Nuuki," Jounouchi said, his mouth full.

"Hi everyone," Ryou said, sitting down next to Jounouchi. "Oh, hello, Nuuki. How was shopping?"

"It was really nice… what happened to your eye?" Nuuki asked, concerned.

Anzu crammed her sandwich into her mouth quickly. Ryou coughed. "I, ah, fell down the stairs."

"So, happy belated birthday!" Honda said quickly. "Did you do anything fun?"

"I had a lot of fun," Nuuki responded, confused, but turning willingly. "My cousins came up and we went roller skating."

"Awesome!" Jounouchi exclaimed. "I did that for my birthday one year, although my best parties have always been when we go play laser tag."

They chatted through lunch, and Anzu was lulled into a false sense of security, when suddenly a shadow loomed over her. "Anzu, darling, I missed you all weekend," Seto said languidly, sprawling onto the bench beside her, carelessly knocking Yuugi off the edge. "What say you ditch afternoon classes and come to the Caribbean with me? I'll bribe your teachers to give you an A for the day."

Anzu closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. _It's not his fault_, she reminded herself. _He doesn't know what he's doing_. She opened her eyes and gave Ryou a dirty look. He threw up his hands and returned her glare with a helpless expression. _It's not Ryou's_ _fault either!_ Anzu had to remind herself. _It's that dark spirit's, so I shouldn't take it out on Ryou._ She looked at his bruised eye and winced. _Anymore_.

Ryou, for his part, was trying to tell her that Bakura hadn't _actually_ done anything to Kaiba, but when he opened his mouth, Bakura jerked back into wakefulness and kept him silent. _Fine, I won't say anything_! Ryou finally thought, frustrated. _I'll just let Anzu stew and mistrust him and be miserable_.

_Now you're getting the point!_ Bakura said, delighted.

"Kaiba," Anzu said, rubbing her temples and trying her hardest to be polite. "Please, please go away."

"Is the Caribbean too sunny for you? I wouldn't mind Alaska either. We could go polar bear watching," Seto suggested.

"I'm really not interested in dating you," she explained carefully. "And I'm convinced that, if you thought about it, you would realize that you don't really want to date me either." She couldn't help herself, and glared again at poor Ryou.

"Kaiba Seto always knows exactly what he wants!" he exclaimed, sounding extremely offended. Anzu let her head fall onto the cafeteria table and groaned. "Anzu," he said, more quietly. "You're beautiful, you're smart, you're sincere… and I want you."

And oh, it was a good thing her head was already on the table, because Anzu could feel her body turning to mush. He hadn't wasted time with lots of flowery words, he had just laid it out there, and it made her feel wonderful and desirable. Even seeing Jounouchi's aghast expression wasn't enough to dispel the warm butterflies in her stomach… but when she saw Ryou's large, frightened eyes, the butterflies withered and died.

"Kaiba, you don't know what you're saying," Anzu replied quietly. At first this made her feel sad, and she shook her head violently. This was ridiculous! He wasn't in his right mind, so she shouldn't pay his words any mind, and she certainly shouldn't be upset that it wasn't real. Kaiba was still _Kaiba_, and she wasn't the type to be seduced by a few compliments anyway.

"Of course I know what I'm saying! This is one of the five languages I'm fluent in!"

Anzu rolled her eyes; luckily the spell was broken. "I'm very impressed," she said sarcastically. Thankfully, he took that for an actual compliment, and trotted off beaming.

"What did you mean, he didn't know what he was saying?" Yuugi asked bewilderedly, finally resuming his seat. Nuuki looked just as surprised.

"I…" Anzu sighed. "It's complicated." She failed in a valiant attempt not to glare at Ryou again, and Yuugi glanced from one of them to the other, not understanding. Ryou opened his mouth and forced out a slight noise before shutting it in defeat.

"Does Kaiba _like_ you, Anzu?" Nuuki asked confusedly.

"No," Anzu said firmly. "No, he does not. And I don't like him either," she added. "It's complicated, but somehow he's got it stuck in his head that he has to ask me out." She sighed. "I wish I knew how to get him to stop."

"Oh," Nuuki said slowly, looking at Kaiba's retreating back, not entirely convinced of his non-sincerity. "And you really don't like him? Not even enough for one date?"

"_No_," Anzu said firmly. Perhaps she was a little _too_ firm, because Nuuki flinched. "No, I've known him long enough to know that we're incompatible," she tried to explain a little more rationally. "And this is… _unlike_ him." She successfully not-glared at Ryou.

"Oh," Nuuki said uncertainly again.

"Do you have any suggestions?" Anzu asked, a little desperately.

"On how to get Kaiba to stop asking you out?" Nuuki pondered. "I suppose if you were dating someone else, he would do the decent thing and leave you alone…"

"Hmm," Anzu said slowly, furrowing her brow. "That might work. I wonder… well, _would_ it work?" she asked pointedly, glancing at Ryou.

He nodded meekly. _This has great humor potential_, Bakura thought wickedly.

_Oh, shut up,_ Ryou said grouchily. _And of course it's not going to work. Didn't you hear that Nuuki's premise was based on Kaiba doing the decent thing?_

_You little cynic,_ Bakura thought fondly. _That's exactly what I think too… that's why it'll be so funny._

Anzu sat up straighter. "Well. Well, if that could work," she mused, her eyes dancing. Finally, a solution! She would just have to pick her date carefully. It would have to be someone believable… she glanced briefly at Jounouchi, then looked away. And it would have to be someone Kaiba couldn't easily snap in half, so she regretfully struck Yuugi off her list of possibilities.

"Hey Honda," Anzu said sweetly, putting her hand on his arm and leaning in closely. "You want to go to the movies this afternoon?"

* * *

Going on a pretend date with Honda had been surprisingly easy. They grabbed some burgers, played a few video games (Anzu didn't lose quite so badly as she usually did – she'd been practicing!), and found a movie playing at the local theatre that they could both agree to watch. It was just like hanging out as friends; really the only difference was that when they ran into a few girls from their school as they were exiting the restaurant, Anzu grabbed Honda's hand and laughed loudly at whatever he was saying (which, unfortunately, turned out to be the revelation that his sister's beloved pet bunny had died over the weekend).

At the theatre, they bought popcorn and settled in their seats to watch the movie. When the lights came up at the end of the show, Anzu turned smiling to the seat next to her, then blinked.

Honda was gone.

* * *

"Kaiba," Anzu said, trying to sound reasonable, "please give Honda back."

Jounouchi hovered menacingly over her shoulder. She had only allowed him to be present at this confrontation under his solemn promise that he would neither speak nor move.

"Why?" Seto asked, scowling. "Do you _miss_ him?"

"Where are you keeping him, Kaiba?" Anzu sighed. "It's been three days. Have you been feeding him? And do you know what we've been through, trying to come up with a cover story for his parents?"

"He says he's happy, not going to classes," Seto lied with dignity. "I'm doing him a favor."

"Oh for cripes sake, Kaiba," Anzu snapped. "I'm not going out with him! Happy?"

"I knew it!" Seto said with surprising relief. "I knew it! What can he give you that I can't?" he asked rhetorically.

"It's more like what Honda _doesn't_ give me," Anzu retorted. "And that's a headache!" She stomped off.

Honda appeared at school the next day. He seemed fine, although he had a funny odor to him, and a habit of shivering violently whenever someone said the word "orange". He showed a disinclination to speak about what happened to him, although Anzu noticed him sending a text message to Kaiba Mokuba that started "ur gaming system ROCKS". After he refused to answer any more of their questions about where he'd been, Anzu and Yuugi reluctantly let the matter drop. Jounouchi, however, continued to yell "ORANGE" every few minutes, because it was funny to watch Honda squirm like you'd just dropped a spider down his back.


	3. In which there is an exorcism

**Chapter 3 – In which there is an exorcism**

* * *

Dear reviewers: My love for you is boundless. Thank you thank you thank you so much for your feedback! You are the reason that most of this chapter even exists… your comments made me realize that I needed to play around with Bakura's demonic plan a little bit more.

* * *

Anzu had a trying weekend. It started when she stepped outside to get the newspaper on Saturday morning, glanced at the beautiful blue sky, and saw the words "Seto loves Anzu" in skywriting hovering over the town of Domino. Worse, over the next half-hour, the postscript to the message was painstakingly added: "And Anzu would love Seto too, if she would give him a chance." Then the skywriting plane landed in her front yard, revealing that the pilot was none other than Kaiba Seto himself. Anzu shrieked and locked herself into the house for the rest of the day.

That night, she was channel surfing, and all of the TV stations were broadcasting interviews with Kaiba, wherein he enthusiastically expounded on Anzu's many virtues. She had to continuously remind herself that this was _embarrassing_, not complimentary, although she nearly glowed when he talked about her surprising dueling skill and what an amazing dancer she was. Anzu listened with some surprise as he described her performance in last Christmas's _The Nutcracker_. She hadn't realized he had seen it, but apparently he had taken Mokuba.

Her house was flooded with flowers that weekend. There were some truly gorgeous specimens: bouquets of roses and orchids and sunflowers and tulips, but also huge, exotic blooms that gave off delicious tropical odors. Anzu put aside all reservations and decorated her room with the bouquets, falling asleep to a sweet floral scent and with a small smile on her lips. But her ire was raised again when her parents exclaimed over the gifts.

"They don't _mean_ anything," she explained. There was an edge to her voice, and she ignored the fact that the meaningless of Kaiba's real emotions bothered her, and cursed Bakura. Enough was enough; she had to put a stop to this.

* * *

"An exorcism?" Yuugi asked uncertainly.

"That movie was awesome!" Honda exalted. "Is Kaiba gonna puke everywhere?"

"I'm going to try to exorcise Kaiba's obsession with me," Anzu explained to Yuugi at lunch on Monday. "He's embarrassing me and he's embarrassing himself. No one's going to be happy when Bakura's spell or whatever wears off, _least_ of all Kaiba – and if you'll recall, this is the boy with the tendency to overreact."

"I've been wondering what he'll do," Jounouchi admitted. "To Bakura, that is. I was sort of picturing a ceremonial killing – remember that story where they chain the girl to a rock and then the sea monster comes to eat her? Only this time, there will be no rescuing. And instead of a sea monster, I have a feeling that Kaiba will build a giant robot Blue Eyes White Dragon. With lots and lots of sharp teeth."

Ryou gulped audibly. The whole table turned to look briefly at him, then away.

"So do you know how to do an exorcism?" Honda asked.

_NOW can I tell them you were just kidding about doing something to Kaiba?_ Ryou asked frantically.

_Of course not,_ Bakura replied haughtily.

_But what if these rumors get back to Kaiba? Even if you didn't actually put a spell on him, he might get so mad that he sends a robot dragon to eat me anyway!_

_Silly Ryou_, Bakura sighed. _Don't you trust me?_

_No!_

_Right_, Bakura amended. _Don't you trust me not to get our body eaten by a robot?_

_NO!_

_Good!_ Bakura sounded positively thrilled. _With my gentle guidance, Ryou, you are finally learning how the world works. I'm almost proud of you right now._

"I really don't think you guys should be a part of it," Anzu was explaining to the rest of the table. "If Kaiba sees you there, I think he'll be unhappier than he's already going to be. And that's pretty unhappy."

"Come on, Anzu," Jounouchi begged. "In the name of friendship and all? Can't we come, like, help you?"

"I want to watch," Honda said honestly.

"Yeah, that too," Jounouchi mumbled.

"You can't try to exorcise Kaiba on your own," Yuugi said to Anzu. He had already ventured, and lost, the argument that exorcising Kaiba would be a poor idea. Considering his own history with Kaiba, he was a bad choice to be the one making that particular argument, but no one else at the table seemed likely to be a voice of reason. "For one thing, how would you get him to stand still for it?"

"I won't be on my own," Anzu said, viciously biting into an apple. "I already enlisted some help."

* * *

After school, Seto was heading outside to see Anzu's reaction when she discovered the life-sized statue of herself, made entirely of chocolate, when several efficient pairs of hands grabbed him, blindfolded and gagged him, tied his hands behind his back, and carried him down a flight of stairs and into what Seto presumed was the school's musty basement.

_Oh_, he thought as the hands tied him to a chair. _So __**this**__ is how Mokuba feels_.

There were several pairs of voices murmuring, but he couldn't make out what they were saying over the rumble of the school's machinery. With his body trapped and his eyes blinded, Seto's other senses began to kick in. The air smelled strongly of herbs and spices. He couldn't place all of them, but thought he could detect lavender and sage among all the scents in the room. It actually smelled quite delicious. He supposed it was too much to ask that he'd been kidnapped to go take a cooking lesson.

His ears were adjusting, and he began to make out what the voices were saying. "_I don't know what the pendant is for, I think he just likes how it's shiny…_" "_I think I'm allergic to the caraway power._" There was a sneeze from across the room, then suddenly a new voice spoke up right next to him.

The new voice was annoyed and male and familiar. "Anzu, this is _stuuu-pid_." The words came out as a singsong.

An equally exasperated female voice replied, imitating his sing-song, "Marik, you _oweeee _me."

_Marik?_

Seto squirmed, wishing that if nothing else, he wasn't wearing this stupid blindfold. He wished he could confirm whether he was indeed trapped in a room with the blonde psychopath who had caused him so much trouble during Battle City and, from the sound of it, some of Marik's Rare Hunters. Although upon further consideration, he thought he might be happier not seeing them after all.

"When I said sorry for trying to kill you and your friends, is there any way I could make it up to you, I thought you'd just ask for cookies or something," Marik whined. "Are you sure you wouldn't rather go for a free ride on my motorcycle?"

"Do you know how to exorcise Kaiba or not?" Anzu asked.

"Sure I know how… but I don't want to go inside his head! Come on Anzu! It was bad enough being inside _Jounouchi's_ head… do you know what that kid dreams about?"

"Change the subject," Anzu ordered immediately.

Seto was also positive that he didn't want Marik inside his head. He considered his options. Each button on his trenchcoat was actually a miniature grenade, but he couldn't reach any of them with his hands tied behind his back. There was a switch inside of his mouth that he could activate by a complicated twist of his tongue followed by grinding his teeth; this would blast everyone within a twenty-foot radius with an electrical shock. But Anzu was standing too close, and he didn't want to hurt her as well. As a last resort, he could flick the switch inside his boot that would simultaneously turn on a microphone and call his main security guards for help. But Seto prided himself on only using that switch once (he'd been having a very bad day, and there were no popsicles anywhere in the house, and he had needed one _that instant)_. Did he really want to be _rescued_? And did he want to be found like this, tied up in the basement of the school, captured by Marik and his Rare Hunters?

Seto decided to wait until he was a little closer to death before choosing that option.

* * *

"Rishid, what is all that for?" Anzu asked. Rishid was lugging an enormous basket of spices their way, maneuvering through an elaborate set-up of glass balls on podiums and pendants dangling from coat racks.

"Master Marik says it creates the ambiance," Rishid replied, and before she could say anything else, he lifted the entire basket and dumped it on Kaiba's head.

Kaiba sneezed violently, which sounded very interesting through his gag. Anzu herself had to jump aside, waving a hand through the air. "Marik! Sheesh! Is all this necessary?"

"None of it is," Rishid informed her in a whisper. "He likes to be flashy and dramatic."

"I never would have guessed," Anzu said with a sigh, looking over at Marik, who had donned a purple sequined top and embroidered leather pants to go with his usual piles of gold jewelry. He was also wearing a cape and, inexplicably, a crown. He clutched his Millennium Rod possessively.

"I'm going to put Kaiba to sleep now," Marik announced. Kaiba started, and shook his head in protest.

Anzu thought that this was Marik's first good idea, because it was awkward enough trying to exorcise Kaiba's obsession with her while he was awake… she figured things would be easier all around with Kaiba unconscious. But something about the way Marik had said that made her ask, "Why?"

"Oh. Well, the process can sometimes be a little painful."

Kaiba paused.

"Painful by… your standards?" Anzu asked doubtfully.

Marik grinned, a very large, slightly off-balance grin. "I'm gonna put him to sleep now."

Kaiba began thrashing his left foot around violently for about five seconds before Marik put a hand on top of his head and he suddenly went limp.

"Why was he kicking his foot like tha-", Anzu began to ask, when a voice asked sharply from Kaiba's left big toe, "Mr. Kaiba, are you all right? Respond immediately, if you can."

Marik and Anzu exchanged wide-eyed glances. "_Radio_," Marik mouthed. "_He called for help._"

"Mr. Kaiba, we've pinpointed your location to… approximately twelve feet below ground level at 10034 Cherry Blossom Drive. Confirm that you are well or we will send a team after you immediately."

Marik looked alarmed, and half-turned toward the nearest Rare Hunter. Anzu was terrified that he would do something crazy, like order them to chop off Kaiba's leg, so she thought fast.

She burst into loud laughter. Everyone in the room jumped; Marik looked at her with confusion, Rishid with deep concern.

"Oh, Seto," she said through her forced, semi-hysterical giggles. "Looks like I found your ticklish spot! Oh- hey! No retaliation! Ooooh, I'll get you for this one!" She was acting so hard, she actually put out scrunched-up hands and waved her fingers at the air.

"For crying out loud," a second voice emitted from Kaiba's foot. "It looks like he accidentally dialed us in the middle of a tickle fight with some girl. Probably chocolate-sculpture girl. Guess he was thrashing his foot around too much."

"At least he didn't want another blue raspberry popsicle," the first voice said, disgruntled, before Kaiba's left toe made a _click_ sound and there was silence again.

Anzu decided that she didn't want to know what they meant by 'chocolate-sculpture girl'.

"Would you like a spot on the Rare Hunters team?" Marik asked conversationally. "It's actually harder than you think to find girls who are clever _and _crazy enough to be worthy."

"Kaiba's the one making me crazy," Anzu said through clenched teeth. "Can we please exorcise him now before something else happens?"

"All right, all right," Marik sighed. "Rare Hunters! Positions!"

Anzu distinctly saw them exchanged resigned looks, and Rishid bowed his head in shame, as they all grabbed hands and formed a wide circle, with Marik, Anzu, and a sleeping Kaiba in the middle. There was a pause, then Rishid began chanting, and the rest reluctantly joined in. It actually sounded fairly impressive until Anzu listened closely and realized they were chanting the chorus of "The Lion Sleeps Tonight."

"A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh…"

Marik unexpectedly gave the Millennium Rod a dramatic twirl, nearly slicing off Anzu's head. This finally prompted her long-overdue revelation that this whole plan was a bad idea, but she figured that they were too far in to stop now.

"I am now entering the mind of Kaiba Seto," Marik intoned deeply, then brought the Millennium Rod swishing down so fast it embedded itself in the cement floor. Now Anzu was ready to make a run for it, but Marik left it in the floor and bent his head over it.

"All of Kaiba Seto's secrets are now laid bare to me," Marik continued dramatically. "All of his past transgr– hmmm. Hey, Anzu, did you know that Kaiba is a kleptomaniac?"

"_What?_"

"It means he likes to steal things," Marik explained.

"I know what a kleptomaniac is!" Anzu exclaimed. "I just… seriously? _Kaiba_? He has enough money to buy the moon, why is he a kleptomaniac?"

"Actually, rich people often are," Marik informed her. "Ishizu made me take a psychology class after Battle City… actually, she made me take like five, but the point is that sometimes even really rich people like to steal stuff. I dunno if it's a sense of entitlement or a cheap thrill or what, but there you go."

"Can you… fix him?" she asked in a whisper.

"A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh…"

"Fix him?" Marik asked with a raised eyebrow. "As in, make him stop stealing stuff?"

"Uh… yeah." Anzu blushed.

"Well, well, well," Marik smirked, crossing his arms. "Look at you, going from thinking that mind-controlling someone is immoral to wanting me to change people's personalities. What else should I do while I'm in there? Should I make him nicer? Should I make Kaiba dumber, so that he fits in better?"

"Well, I just thought-" Anzu began.

"A-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh…"

"I suppose you'll also want me to remove the handsome charm on him!" Marik exclaimed.

"Of course I don't want to _change_ him but- wait, what?"

"It turns out that Kaiba's stunning good looks aren't all lucky genes and expensive moisturizing lotion," Marik explained. ("Stunning good looks?" Anzu asked, but he ignored her.) "Seems like Kaiba got on the good side of a spellcaster when he was younger, because there's a spell on him to make him pretty. He's never had a blemish or a bad hair day in his life."

"Wow," Anzu said wonderingly. "Honda will be thrilled… he and Jounouchi had a bet going on. Jounouchi was convinced that Kaiba wore makeup – you know, at least foundation, but Honda said no way. Guess he won himself a cheeseburger."

"Great," Marik said, rolling his eyes. "So you want me to remove that too? It's not honest, after all."

Although Anzu was filled with a burning desire to say yes (mostly out of curiosity), she pushed it aside. This was a lot of conflict for her already-strained morals to handle. To cure Kaiba's kleptomania, to not change his personality without his permission. To remove the spell giving him good looks – just as she wanted to remove Bakura's spell – or to leave him under an enchantment.

"Don't do anything except removing Bakura's spell," she finally said. Better not to mess with him any more than they already were. The rest of Kaiba – good and bad – was no one's business but Kaiba's.

"Okay." Marik turned away and was quiet for approximately five seconds. "Sorry, I can't."

"What!"

"Can't means that I am not able to-"

"_I know what can't means!"_

The Rare Hunters took this as their cue to stop chanting.

"Bakura's spell is too complicated," Marik explained. "Removing it could cause Kaiba permanent brain damage. Don't worry, it'll wear off. Depending on what he eats, it could be as soon as a month – make sure he gets lots of omega-3 fatty acids. Rare Hunters, pack it up! And if you break any of my glass balls, I'll cut your head off _and_ make you wear a funny outfit _and_ you'll have to chant the soprano lead next time someone asks us to perform a ritual."

"Marik!" Anzu grabbed his arm desperately. He pulled the Millennium Rod back out of the concrete, and she dropped his arm immediately.

"Sorry, Anzu," he said, and he actually did look sympathetic. "I wish I could help you… you look pretty pathetic. Like I said, just make sure he eats plenty of omega-3 fatty acids, it'll help."

"How will it-" she began, and then started over, "Are you sure that,-" and again: "Can't you try to…" her voice trailed off, defeated. "Well, we can't just leave him here."

"Oh, right. Rishid, can you cut Kaiba loose? We'll let him wake up on his own time."

Anzu slunk off to the grocery store to shop for foods rich in omega-3 fatty acids. Marik, Rishid, and the Rare Hunters piled into Marik's brand-new bright red 15-passenger van and headed home.

"You didn't actually use the Millennium Rod, right?" Rishid asked.

Marik grimaced. "Of course not. Ishizu would know immediately, and I like keeping my head attached to my shoulders, thank you very much."

"When are you going to collect your payment from Bakura?"

Marik grinned. "Tonight." He'd made a pact with the white-haired spirit because once again, Marik wanted something, and Bakura was going to get it for him.

* * *

At her friends' urging, Anzu had come out to game night at the arcade. She was even managing to have some fun, playing pool with Ryuji Otogi and getting video game lessons from Jounouchi and Honda. She had just sat down to drink a soda with everyone when the door swung open, and she knew who had entered the room without looking.

"What's that smell?" Yuugi wondered.

"Mmmm… smells like uncooked pizza," Jounouchi sighed.

"Anzu, you are my sunshine and do you know why I woke up in the school's basement covered in herbs?" Kaiba asked, plunking himself down next to her.

"Kaiba," she said with a sigh, opening up her purse and offering him the contents. "Have a fish stick."

He looked at the fish sticks inside, then gazed deeply into her eyes. "Anzu, how did you know… that I hate fish sticks more than anything in the world, except for losing and your friends?"

"Eat a fish stick!" she snapped.

"Hey! Kaiba! Nice of you to join us for game night!" Yuugi said excitedly, bouncing over and taking the seat beside Kaiba. "I'm so glad you came out! Want a soda? Want any munchies? Want to play a game? I'm looking for a partner in shuffleboard!"

Kaiba looked from Yuugi on his left to Anzu's purse on his right, sighed in resignation, and took a fish stick.

"Hey Kaiba," Jounouchi said with a gleam in his eye. "I challenge you to a game of air hockey!"

Kaiba, who had never played air hockey in his life, took another fish stick.

"Keep talking to him, guys, this is working," Anzu advised.

* * *

Kaiba stayed hanging around the arcade for a few hours, which was especially awkward for Anzu because now she had to dodge his courtship _and_ questions about why there were herbs all over him. "Some parsley even made its way into my underwear," he informed Anzu, then seemed to realize that he had said too much and wandered over to ask Otogi, who was playing pool with Bakura Ryou, when he was planning a new Dungeon Dice tournament.

"Can I have a fish stick?" Jounouchi asked Anzu.

"No. Kaiba needs them." She tucked her purse under her arm.

"Fish sticks are gross cold," Honda informed Jounouchi.

"Fish sticks are edible cold, and that's all I care about," Jounouchi retorted.

"I can't believe you got Kaiba to eat cold fish sticks, and he doesn't even like fish," Honda said to Anzu. "I wonder what else you can get him to do?"

"How come he's still obsessed with you?" Jounouchi added. "Didn't you say you were going to exorcise him after school today?"

"Marik said that Bakura's spell is too strong," Anzu said despondently.

"Whoa, whoa, _Marik_?" Honda exclaimed. "You trusted _Marik_ to go messing about with Kaiba? Come to think, you trusted yourself in a room with Marik?"

"Actually, it was kind of interesting watching him work," Anzu said, avoiding the staring eyes of her two friends. "I learned a lot today. Did you know that Kaiba, even with all his money, likes to-"

There was a scuffle from the other side of the arcade, and shouting. Jounouchi and Honda immediately leapt into rescue mode and went galloping over, followed by Anzu, and Yuugi joined them from the ping-pong tables. They ran to the pool table, where Otogi was standing with his hands clasped over his head shouting "My headband! My headband!"

"Huh…?" Jounouchi wondered aloud.

"My headband is gone!" Otogi exclaimed. "One second I was walking over to the pool table to take a shot, and the next, my bangs were falling in my eyes! I didn't even feel it come off, but my headband is gone!"

"Relax, dude," Honda said, rolling his eyes. "It's just a headband."

"Just a headband!" Otogi exclaimed, his voice rising a few octaves. "It's the _best headband in the world_! It's a patented design that holds my saggy forehead in place!"

Yuugi blinked rapidly. Bakura Ryou was standing behind Otogi, his eyes wide. Jounouchi and Honda exchanged looks but could apparently think of nothing further to say. Bystanders still found Otogi charming and girls were fluttering their eyelashes in sympathy. But Anzu's gaze was drawn to Kaiba, standing to the side of Otogi, a bored look on his face. She bit her lip, remembering Marik's revelation about him. Had she made the right choice, telling Marik not to cure Kaiba of his kleptomania?

She sidled over to him. "Kaiba," she whispered. "This is wrong. You have to give Otogi's headband back."

He raised his eyebrows at her. "Anzu, I can do a lot of things, but I cannot magically make Otogi's headband reappear."

"Kaiba," she said, biting her lip. "I _know_. It's okay, I'm not upset, but I think that you need to-"

"Hold that thought," he said, raising his hand quickly. His face had suddenly gone green. "Ugh… too many fish sticks." He bolted for the bathroom.

"Don't you dare throw those up until your body has absorbed the omega-3 fatty acids!" she called after him.

Kaiba shoved Ryou roughly aside on his dash for the bathroom. The white-haired boy raised an eyebrow, then continued on his way, slipping soundlessly out the back door of the arcade and into a dark alley.

"Do you have it?" a voice asked from the shadows.

Bakura smirked and held up his hand. From his little finger dangled Otogi's prized red-and-black headband.

"Yesss!" Marik exalted, stepping into the light.

"Why you wanted that boy's headband, of all things, I'll never understand," Bakura said, rolling his eyes as he tossed Marik the prize. "But I hear that you did very well with the exorcism, so congratulations. Telling her that Kaiba was a kleptomaniac was a nice touch."

"I thought it would come in handy," Marik said, immediately trying on the headband. "And this isn't just a headband, it's the _best headband in the world_. Otogi designed and patented it himself, so you can't find another like it anywhere. You know how the veins in my forehead pop out whenever I get angry?" (Bakura knew, and was secretly a little jealous.) "Well, that's been taking a toll on my face and now its getting a bit saggy, but this patented design will hold my forehead in place. Plus, I just bought some red-and-black checkered boots that will match perfectly!"

_I think I deserve some sort of trophy for putting up with you two_, Ryou grumbled at Bakura. _I'm going to put a stop to this._

_I'd like to see you try!_ Bakura smirked, then held up a handful of other things he had stolen while in the arcade.

"Fish stick, Marik?"


	4. In which Shizuka forms a plan

**Chapter 4 – In which Shizuka forms a plan**

* * *

"That doesn't look so bad," Honda said kindly to Otogi the morning after his patented _best headband in the world_ was stolen.

"I think I like the blue-and-purple polka dot pattern," Anzu added. "It brings out your eyes."

"Thanks," Otogi said glumly. "It's actually super-glued to my forehead right now. Nothing else will stop the skin from sagging. It itches a lot."

"He didn't-!" Ryou started to exclaim, then choked and fell silent as Bakura took over and prevented him from revealing that Kaiba Seto was not, in fact, under a spell to chase after Anzu.

"He didn't what?" Anzu asked.

"He didn't have a backup headband?" Bakura asked, mentally glowering at Ryou and his pesky attempt at defiance.

"I'm having another one special ordered, it should be here tomorrow," Otogi explained. "My backup got stretched out one night when I was bored and used it as a slingshot."

* * *

"You know how I woke up this morning?" Anzu asked through gritted teeth later that week, slamming her bag on her desk. "Kaiba hired a professional orchestra to serenade me on my front lawn!"

"I thought you had a strict talk with him about trespassing?" Yuugi asked.

"He didn't act-!" Ryou managed, but Bakura was waiting to intercept him.

"-act guilty about it?" he queried innocently.

"No. He's shameless," Anzu sighed.

* * *

"He didn't actually do anything to Kaiba!" Ryou blurted loudly. At last! He had slipped through Bakura's watchful defenses and revealed the secret!

It was only slightly inconvenient that his triumphant victory came in the middle of math class. And only slightly unfortunate that he didn't actually share a math class with Anzu.

Daichi-sensei stopped writing the algebraic equation on the board and frowned at him. Bakura woke up and growled menacingly at Ryou, which even more unfortunately came out as actual sound from Ryou's mouth.

"Bakura Ryou," Daichi sighed, putting down his chalk and rubbing his temples. "Gather your stuff and go to the office. I take it that message must have been very important for you to pass on, if it was worth interrupting me to do so. If you can write it out in binary code by the end of the period, I _won't_ issue you detention."

Ryou, regaining control, nodded meekly.

* * *

Ryou entered history class a few seconds before the bell rang and dropped a sheet of paper filled with zeroes and ones in front of Anzu. "Here," he mumbled, sinking into his own seat.

"What's this?" she asked, picking up the paper with a frown.

"It's a long story, but-" Ryou began, and at that moment the bell rang. Almost simultaneously, Jounouchi barreled through the door of the classroom and flung himself into the empty chair between them.

"Made it!" he whispered. "Good thing, too, because I hear Ayami-sensei is in a real bad mood today."

"Why's that?" Honda asked, twisting in his seat and glancing up at their young history professor, who was snapping out roll-call, her face bright red.

Jounouchi grinned. "Coach told me that they discovered during a staff meeting this morning that she keeps all of Ryuji Otogi's school papers so that she has his autograph, and apparently she kisses his yearbook photo goodnight. She's so embarrassed that everyone found out-"

"_Jounouchi Katsuya!_" Ayami screeched. "_Class! Has! Started!_"

"Sorry, sensei," he murmured, keeping his head down so that she couldn't see his grin.

Ryou felt he had gotten into enough trouble for one day and turned away from Anzu. She gave the odd message another lingering look, wondering if this was yet another prank from Ryou's darker side, before reaching down to remove her notebook from her bag.

As she straightened back up, she felt warm fingers brush her upper arm. Goosebumps immediately broke out all up and down her arm and there was a pleasant tingling sensation.

"What?" she whispered, more snappishly than she normally would have, because she was really starting to hate the effect that Kaiba Seto was having on her.

"Why are you passing notes about me?" he whispered.

"Huh?" His fingers were still trailing her elbow, so she yanked her arm away.

He pointed to Ryou's paper, that odd list of 0s and 1s. "It says my name."

Anzu had no clue what he was talking about, and shook her head. "Unless you changed your name to 'one million, one thousand,' I'm not seeing it," she whispered back, still snappishly.

"It's binary code," he explained.

Anzu stared at the paper. Oh. _Oh_. That made a bit more sense, but…

"You read binary code?" she asked disbelievingly. "Like, your name just jumped out at you from this row of 0s and 1s?"

"Well, it took me a few seconds," he said humbly. Anzu might have appreciated his first known attempt at humility, but she was otherwise distracted by wondering why Bakura Ryou would have passed her a note written in binary code about Kaiba. She stared intensely at the white-haired boy until he caved and looked helplessly at her. "What's going on?" she mouthed, pointing at the paper.

Ryou hesitated, looked guiltily up at the front of the classroom, then leaned over. "It's a long story, but-" he began again.

"Bakura Ryou! Maybe you can share the answer with us?"

Ryou started, and tried to make his leaned-over position look natural. "Ah, ah, what was the question again?" he asked nervously from a 45-degree angle. Ayami-sensei, usually so easygoing, just folded her arms and stared at him. "Yugoslavia?" he guessed wildly. His answer was greeted by soft snickers throughout the classroom.

"There was no such country as 'Yugoslavia' in 480 BC," Ayami informed him coldly. "Since you apparently need to brush up on your geography _and _sense of time, why don't you stay after school and write me a two-page paper on the political entities of the Balkan peninsula."

While Ryou groveled, Anzu turned her attention back to the paper, burning with curiosity. Unfortunately, the only person in the room who could immediately solve her predicament was the one she least wanted to talk to. Her willpower lasted about two seconds, then with a sigh she handed Kaiba the binary code. "Can you tell me what it says?" she whispered.

A few moments later, he tapped her on the arm again and handed the paper back. "I don't know what this is supposed to mean, but…" In neat handwriting at the top, he had copied, '_He didn't actually do anything to Kaiba_.'

"But,-!" Anzu started, before a hand came down heavily on her desk, making her jump.

"Please refrain from passing notes in my class, Mazaki!" Ayami snapped. "I'd expected better of you. Stay after school today and keep Bakura Ryou company."

Of all the students in the class, Jounouchi looked the most shell-shocked. He was used to getting the detentions, and to him it seemed unfair that Ryou and Anzu (the most gentle of his friends) would be putting in time today while he got off scot-free. Anzu could practically see the train of thought going through his head, and the speculative look on his face made her nervous. Her feeling of apprehension increased when he turned to her and mouthed "_solidarity!_", holding out his fist for a fist-bump. She shook her head.

"For anyone else failing to pay attention, let me remind you that we are discussing the Battle of Thermopylae, part of the Greco-Persian Wars," Ayami lectured. "The pass of Thermopylae was held against an enormous army of invading Persians for seven days – three days of fighting – by an alliance of Greek city-states, led by 300 men from… which state? We've determined that it was _not_ Yugoslavia," she added. "So, which state? …Jounouchi-kun, care to venture a guess? This time, perhaps a place that actually existed back then?" Ryou hid his head.

Jounouchi looked at Ryou this time, once again mouthing "_solidarity!_", before standing up, climbing onto his chair, and planting one foot on his desk. "_THIS IS __**SPARTA**__!"_

* * *

Because she wanted to avoid Kaiba, Anzu bolted out of history class right when the bell rang, making it to lunch even faster than Jounouchi and Honda. "Ryou, what is going on?" she demanded the second he appeared, even before he sat all the way down. "What is the meaning of this note?" She waved the paper around. "Are you trying to tell me that you – or the spirit, whatever – _didn't_ mess with Kaiba's head?"

"No, he didn't do anything," Ryou reassured her, ignoring Bakura's annoyed grumble. "He just said that to bother you."

"Well, I'm bothered!" Anzu exclaimed loudly. Students across the room looked over.

"Good," Bakura said. "Not good," Ryou corrected a moment later. "Anzu, I'm sorry-"

"And now what am I supposed to do with these?" she demanded, holding up a bottle of fish oil supplements.

"I can't _believe_ Ayami-sensei didn't give me a detention for that Sparta thing," Jounouchi said, coming over and shaking his head. "Sorry to leave you guys alone this afternoon, but I couldn't think of anything else to do."

"It's good that you didn't get a detention, Jounouchi," Yuugi said mildly.

"Wait," Anzu said suddenly. "Was Marik in on this?"

"Why would Marik get me out of detention?" Jounouchi asked. She ignored him, and stared at Ryou. Ryou's sheepish silence was enough answer for her.

"Does this mean that Kaiba isn't a kleptomaniac, either?" she asked, her voice getting shrill. More silence. "Then who stole Otogi's-?" Her turn to pause. "Oh. Seriously?"

"It was Marik's payment…" Ryou said meekly.

"And he's not actually ugly and just under a spell to be handsome?"

This one got her quizzical looks from the rest of the table.

"All right, Bakura," Anzu said with a steely face, leaning forward. "You, spirit. You messed with my head enough. Now you owe it to me to make things better and help get Kaiba off my back."

There was quiet. Bakura made a face.

"Bakura!"

"Bakura's gone," Ryou said, sounding defeated. "He's taking a nap and leaving me to deal with this."

"Of course he is," Anzu muttered darkly. She was tempted to continue yelling at Ryou, just to take her anger out on _someone_, but her conscience intervened. After all, his eye had just started looking normal again. She turned instead to Jounouchi, who could always take some abuse. "You help me then!"

"How?" he asked through a mouthful of food.

"If I knew how to make Kaiba stay away, don't you think I'd have done it already?" Anzu asked shrilly.

"I'll beat the stuffing out of him," Jounouchi decided. "I can take him." He conveniently forgot how many times in the past he had _not,_ in fact, been able to take Kaiba Seto.

"I'll help," Honda said enthusiastically. He had apparently recovered admirably from his kidnapping. "After school, I'll tackle him in the parking lot."

"You pin him down while I give him the worst noogie of his life," Jounouchi instructed.

"And after that: a swirlie!" Honda proclaimed triumphantly.

"Oh for goodness sakes," Anzu huffed. "You two are ridiculous. As if Kaiba couldn't take you both one-handed anyway."

Ignoring the indignant protests from the other side of the table, Anzu turned to her best friend, her last hope, her dependable savior. "Yuugi," she said hopefully, "Do you have any ideas?"

He'd had a surprised, thoughtful expression, but when Anzu directed her attention towards him, Yuugi quickly wiped the look off his face. "Sorry Anzu," he said, "but I think I better not get involved in this."

"_What?_" she nearly screeched, shutting up Jounouchi and Honda. "What do you mean, you think you better not get involved in this? After all the times I've been there for you? Have I ever said 'oh Yuugi it's too bad your grandfather was kidnapped but I better not get involved'? Have I ever said 'wow so many people are trying to kill you, it's a little too stressful so I think I'll go shopping'?" Her eyes were just a little bit wild. "Yuugi, you… you…"

"Are a stupid midget?" a voice suggested. "A lame duelist? You have funny hair?"

"All of the above," Anzu groused, she was so worked up.

At the end of this speech, the boys stared at her. Kaiba Seto, who had just joined the conversation, looked at her in admiration. He opened his mouth, clearly about to make a comment about being even more in love with her now that she had duly noted Yuugi's twerpiness, but Anzu beat him to the punch. "At least Nuuki _tried _to help me," Anzu said angrily, turning to storm out of the cafeteria. "Boys are all useless."

* * *

"I know you're mad at us," Jounouchi said, plopping in the seat next to her during science. "Something about us having junk down there, right?"

"Because you're stupid boys," Anzu corrected wearily, leafing through her textbook. They were continuing their discussion of biodiversity today.

"But I have a real idea!" Jounouchi said brightly.

"What's your real idea?" Anzu asked, fearing the worst.

"Well, Kaiba'll do anything you say right now, so-"

"I'm not telling him to dress up in a dog suit," Anzu cut in sharply.

"No, that's not what I was going to say. Wait…" Jounouchi paused. "Actually, that's a great idea." She gave him a look. "Okay, okay, never mind. Here's what you can do! Send Kaiba off on some crazy errand, halfway around the globe. You'll get him off your back for a little while, at least. And if you ask him to do something really dangerous, like harvest lava from Mount Vesuvius, maybe we'll get lucky and he'll fall in!"

"Jounouchi," Anzu said slowly. "That's actually… a good suggestion. Not the lava part, obviously, but the rest of it." Her eyes brightened. "If he disappeared for a few days, I might finally get a full night's sleep!"

"What do you mean?" Jounouchi asked, looking slightly concerned. "He doesn't spy on you at night, does he?"

Anzu shook her head. "As far as I know, he hasn't been in my room since the snake incident. It's worse – he's befriended my parents and they invite him over for game night every single evening! I can't sleep because they're all up past midnight talking and laughing!"

"You're _kidding_ me," Jounouchi said flatly.

"I wish." Anzu rubbed her eyes. "They always play Monopoly. Kaiba wins every time, which impresses my dad. Both my parents love him and they are completely on board with the engagement that Kaiba keeps telling them is impending."

"Anzu," Jounouchi said seriously. "You know I despise Kaiba." She nodded apprehensively. "But I have to tell you… that is the most _hilarious_ thing I've ever heard!" He then proceeded to knock his chair over from laughing so hard.

"You're back to being considered useless again," Anzu said, scowling at him. He didn't hear her above his own howls.

"Anzu," Seto greeted, materializing by her side. "Would you prefer to get married on a beach or in a garden? Your parents like the idea of a tropical wedding."

"Kaiba," she responded, scouring the science lab frantically for inspiration. "Uh… you know what I've always wanted? A, a,…" she groped for ideas. Pencil? No. Microscope? Too easy. Dumb blonde friend? She definitely didn't need another. "A platypus!" she declared triumphantly, looking down at the color picture in her science textbook.

There was silence. Anzu cringed; he wasn't buying it. "I mean, I'm just speaking hypothetically, of…" her voice trailed off. All that was left of Kaiba was a trail of dust and a swinging door.

* * *

Even detention couldn't bring her sudden good spirits down, and Anzu danced home later that afternoon; she felt like singing. What a joy it was to walk home unmolested! She could carry her _own_ bag, without Kaiba breathing down her neck offering to carry it for her and then to give her a shoulder massage. She could hum without listening to compliments on her exquisite voice. She could enjoy the bumblebees buzzing happily by without Kaiba giving them stern warnings to keep their stingers away from her delicate flesh.

She gave a happy little skip, but she wasn't paying attention to the road and failed to see the pothole. Her right foot landed in it and she stumbled. Instinctively, she reached out her hand, expecting Kaiba to grab it – lately, he was always there. But her fingers slipped through the air and she came down hard on her knee.

She sucked in a sharp breath and blinked furiously for several seconds as her eyes watered up with tears of pain. "Ow," she whispered, once she had herself under control. She looked down; she had scraped her knee and blood was pooling onto the sidewalk. "Ew," she whispered again, gingerly getting to her feet. She had tissues in her school bag, and she pressed them tightly to the wound, trying to control the bleeding. When she felt it had slowed enough, she limped home, her good mood shattered.

_This is Kaiba's fault_, she thought miserably as she turned down her driveway. _My life was under control before he decided to stick his nose into it_… She reached out for the doorknob, but it turned in her hand and the door swung open. She nearly toppled forward, but put out one hand to steady herself against Kaiba's strong arm.

She didn't move her hand right away, still a little stunned by the pain in her leg and surprised to see him there. He finally broke the silence: "Anzu, what happened to your knee?"

"Tripped," she whispered, hastily pulling her hand away from his arm; he reached out and grabbed it again.

"Let's get you fixed up," he said, tugging her hand gently and leading her to the bathroom. She followed in a daze; he sat her on the closed lid of the toilet and rummaged around in the cabinet.

"This is going to sting," he warned, but his eyes were soft and sympathetic. Anzu nodded without hesitation, and kept her eyes locked onto his while he poured hydrogen peroxide over her wound and gently rinsed it with a damp towel. She sucked in her breath and bit her lip, but staring at Kaiba seemed to help.

"There," he said gently as he bandaged up the injury. "Just change these daily and you should be fine."

"Thank you," Anzu murmured, but she didn't know what to say after that. Her head still felt fuzzy, and part of her wanted to show Kaiba exactly how much she appreciated this, but a large part of her kept insisting that this would be a terrible idea. She was just about to ignore what she thought was her common sense, and reach out to touch Kaiba, when a splash echoed through the room.

They both looked over at the bathtub. A head emerged from the water and two big brown eyes stared at her from behind a wide duck-like bill.

Anzu shrieked and, immediately forgetting about her injured knee, bolted off the toilet and backed against the far wall.

"I got you a female, because the males are venomous," Kaiba explained, as if it were completely natural to put a platypus in Anzu's bathtub. And the whole situation was so bizarre that all she could think to say in response was, "Male platypuses have _venom_?"

"The platypus is a very fascinating mammal," Kaiba said. "You made a good choice."

Later, Anzu could never remember the exact extent to which she freaked out. All she really remembered was screaming "_I don't care about its sense of electroreception, just put it back wherever you found it!_" at Kaiba's back as he sprinted from her house cradling the platypus.

* * *

The next morning, Anzu left her house and went, not to school, but straight to the Kawai household. She rang the bell and, the second the door opened, jumped on her friend. "Shizuka! You have to help me!" Anzu begged. "He won't leave me alone!"

Although Anzu made her plea with no preliminary remarks (such as "hello"), the other girl caught on remarkably quickly, especially considering she was still only half-dressed. "Wow, Kaiba is still on that?" she wondered aloud as she hopped on one foot to pull on her stocking. "Maybe he really does like you."

"He doesn't like me at all!" Anzu said indignantly. "He's just stuck on the fact that I keep turning him down. He's determined to get me to say yes, so he's going to keep bothering me until I do!"

"So say yes," Shizuka suggested, smoothing down her skirt.

"I tried!" Anzu said shrilly. "He came to my house while I was eating breakfast and offered to fly me in a supersonic jet plane to Paris so we could buy the most exquisite French cheese available, and then he would buy me a horse and we would ride over to a quaint farm in the Netherlands where they apparently raise chickens that lay really big eggs, and then we would come home and he would make me a breakfast omelet that would be much better than my stale bowl of cereal!"

Shizuka stared.

"And I tried to say yes – well, actually, I tried to suggest that we go to the grocery store and buy me a new box of Cocoa Puffs, because even though he was right and my box was stale, really all I want for breakfast in the morning is cereal, especially chocolatey cereal."

"That's a good compromise," Shizuka said lamely.

"But I _couldn't_! I couldn't say yes! My mouth wouldn't agree to it! All I could do was snap at him and wish he would go away! And why should I give him the satisfaction of caving, anyway?" Anzu demanded.

"Right, Kaiba's the stubborn one here," Shizuka said with a grin.

"I know!" Anzu agreed, missing the point. "He's ridiculously stubborn! Help me!"

Shizuka sighed. "Do you want to come in?" she offered, swinging the door open wider. "I can be late for first period, it's just a math review. We can sit in the living room and form a plan."

"Do you have any Cocoa Puffs?" Anzu asked despondently, trudging into the house.

* * *

"Okay," Shizuka said as she met Anzu outside the school that afternoon. "Ready to put the plan into action?"

"Yes," Anzu said, a bit breathlessly. Kaiba had written her three love poems and a novel today, and he appeared after lunch to carry her to her next class, yes, to literally carry; he whisked her up in his arms and deposited her in the science lab. He'd also done an abysmal water painting of a brownish blob that was probably meant to be either Anzu or an ill muskrat. "Yes. And that plan is…"

Shizuka sighed. "Well, you're sure that he's only chasing after you because you're the only girl who keeps shooting him down, right?"

"Right," Anzu said distractedly.

"You're _sure_?" Shizuka pressed.

"I… what?" Anzu rubbed her arms, trying to forget the feeling of being pressed against Kaiba's firm chest.

"All right, never mind. I'll do my part of the plan, you just find somewhere to hide."

"To hide," Anzu repeated. The painting had actually been kind of cute… well, no, it hadn't been. But she liked it anyway because it was nice to know that Kaiba was terrible at something.

"Try behind that bush," Shizuka said patiently, putting a hand on her shoulder and guiding her downwards. Anzu obediently sat in the dirt. Shizuka sighed, and moved back into the courtyard to search out her prey. But it was Anzu who spotted the target first, her eyes drawn like magnets to the front door as Kaiba Seto emerged. The sun chose that instant to peek out from behind the clouds and a dazzling ray bathed Seto, illuminating his porcelain face and determined blue eyes as if to showcase him.

"Bet he paid the sun to do that," Anzu grumbled, her temper immediately roused by Kaiba's appearance. Shizuka noticed Seto a moment later and made a determined beeline for him. He walked out into the parking lot, his back to the red-head, and scanned the horizon, probably in search of Anzu.

Shizuka tapped Seto on the shoulder, and he turned to look at her. "I won't go out with you," she said firmly.


	5. In which Anzu is less than pleased

**Chapter 5 – In which Anzu is less than pleased by the plan's success**

* * *

Note: I just want to say that I really like Canada. Also, this has possibly been my favorite story to work on, ever. But! There are more stories coming! Yes, you wonderful reviewers have suckered me back into writing once more.

* * *

"What?"

"I won't go out with you," Shizuka declared, and stuck her nose in the air.

Seto stared at her. She could practically see the little wheels in his head turning. "Oh no," he muttered.

"Oh no what?" Shizuka asked sweetly.

Seto stared at her in horror. "I really am in love with Anzu."

Shizuka nodded. "I thought so."

"Oh no," Seto said again, distraught. And out of desperation, "You have to help me!" The words felt foreign in his mouth.

"Of course," Shizuka agreed. "For Anzu's sake only, I'll try to reform you." Before Seto could process the insult, she grabbed his hand and led him off. "First of all, you need to drop the 'I can do no wrong' act…"

"Act?"

Anzu was still crouched behind the bushes, and she watched as Shizuka and Seto wandered off, chatting happily. She was too far away to hear what they were saying, but by their hesitant smiles and the hand-holding, she guessed that Seto was off her back for good.

She slumped against the prickly branches, wondering why she didn't feel more relieved. "Whew," she said aloud. "Glad that's over." Her voice sounded flat, even to her own ears.

A shadow loomed over, and a hesitant voice said, "Anzu? Why are you sitting in the dirt?"

"Because Shizuka told me to," Anzu said without enthusiasm.

"Oh," Yuugi said uncertainly. He stood there watching her, and when she made no movement to get up, slowly lowered himself to the ground next to her. "It's muddy."

Anzu sighed. "I'll have to wash my skirt, I suppose."

"Mmhmm." Yuugi hesitated, then said in a rush, "Anzu, I told you I didn't want to get involved in whatever is going on between you and Kaiba. But you made a point yesterday."

"When I agreed that you had funny hair?" she asked dully.

"You made _two_ points yesterday," Yuugi amended. "You've always given me advice when I've needed it. In fact, I don't know what I'd do without you. So that's why, as a friend, I'm going to tell you what I think about Kaiba."

Anzu looked up, a flicker of interest in her eyes for the first time. "You think he's an arrogant pinhead who should get off his high horse and remember that he's human like the rest of us mortals?"

Yuugi coughed. "Look, Anzu… have you ever Googled Kaiba?"

"What kind of girl do you think I am?" she asked, outraged.

"_Googled_. Like the internet search engine," Yuugi clarified.

"Ohhh. Of course. I mean, no. I haven't. Why?" she asked in confusion. "Why would I be looking Kaiba up on the internet?"

"Try it," Yuugi advised, standing up. "There's some interesting stuff."

"Google Kaiba," Anzu repeated, shaking her head. She also picked herself up off the ground and tried, with minimal success, to wipe the mud off her skirt. "Well, thanks for the advice," she said doubtfully. "See you around."

"See you," Yuugi said, and trotted away.

* * *

"The problem is that you come on too strongly," Shizuka explained carefully, perched on Kaiba's living room couch.

Seto, sitting next to her, lifted an eyebrow. "Uh-huh."

"I mean, Anzu doesn't need an omelet made with French cheese for breakfast. Anzu _likes_ Cocoa Puffs," she elaborated.

"Oh. She does?" Seto pondered this for a brief moment before whipping out his cell phone. "Who are you dialing?" Shizuka asked in alarm, but he waved her off.

"Jones. Call General Mills. I want to buy a line of cereal – hey!" Seto glared at Shizuka, who had just snatched the phone away from him.

"Actually, Jones, cancel all those elaborate plans that Mr. Kaiba made for this afternoon," Shizuka said sweetly, then hung up the phone and quickly stuffed it down her shirt before Seto could grab it back.

"How'd you know I had elaborate plans this afternoon?" Seto huffed.

"Lucky guess," Shizuka said sarcastically. "Look, Kaiba, you haven't listened. Anzu doesn't _want_ elaborate plans. She likes simple, sincere things."

"Okay. Where can I buy those?"

"Kaiba." Shizuka shut her eyes. "Don't you _know_ Anzu? You're courting her. You've bothered to learn something about her, right?"

"I know plenty!" Kaiba defended. "I know her height, weight, shoe, and clothing size. I know her internet passwords from the last ten years. I know that she was on antibiotics last year because she caught a nasty sinus infection. I know she was prescribed acne cream when she was fourteen, but luckily it cleared up enough that she didn't need to renew it. I know that her second cousin Toru spent time in jail for drug possession and that her aunt Hana was considering an abortion and-"

"Kaiba, you creepy stalker!" Shizuka exclaimed, clasping her ears to her head. "I'm seriously considering leaving right now. I don't want to know how you obsessively, and quite possibly illegally, found out all these details about her private life." Seto looked taken aback.

"Do you think Anzu would like to have her privacy invaded?" she asked slowly.

Seto responded, even more slowly, "No-ooo…"

"Do you understand how digging up all that information could be considered an invasion of privacy?"

Seto hesitated, then reluctantly nodded.

"Good," Shizuka said, relieved, and finally lowering her hands from her ears. "Are you obsessed with her, Kaiba, or do you really like her? Love her?" Shizuka added, remembering the declaration that had slipped out from him earlier that afternoon. "Tell me things you've learned – things you've _noticed_ about Anzu."

There was the longest pause yet, then Seto began to speak, slowly at first, then faster and faster. "I noticed that she prefers chocolate desserts to sugary desserts, but she likes vanilla cake with butterscotch icing better than brownies. I noticed that she moves her feet through the dancing positions when she's bored in class. I noticed that when something is really funny, she doesn't just laugh, she puts her hands to her face like her smile is about to explode. I noticed that her eyes are the same shade as the Caribbean Sea on the sunniest day of the year. I noticed that she always puts her friends first, but she'll never hesitate to tell them when they are wrong, because making the world a better place is her top priority. I noticed that she always wants to try new things, and she'll learn how to duel or how to play video games, and while she'll never be the best, she very quickly gets good enough to put up a fight. I noticed that her Duel Monsters deck doesn't seem like a unified grouping, but that Anzu finds unique winning combinations with her cards. I noticed that she pays attention to the outcasts, and that she can make anyone smile or laugh. I noticed that she doesn't like to grow her fingernails very long, and I think it's because she hates the noise they make when she types. I noticed that she forgives easily." Seto drew in a deep breath. "And it's very uncomfortable for me to be noticing all these things, because I'm used to treating the rest of the world like useless minions."

"You just ruined it, Kaiba," Shizuka muttered, but she was lying. That had been the most romantic thing she'd ever heard, and she was positive that her standards for men had just shot through the roof and were hovering somewhere around Eiffel Tower level. Jounouchi would be pleased.

"Are your eyes watering?" Seto asked, peering at her.

"If that got me choked up, imagine how Anzu would feel!" Shizuka shot back, ignoring her embarrassment.

"Oh no," Seto said, alarmed. "She can't know all that! She can't know that I've noticed these things about her!"

"Why on earth not?" Shizuka asked, frustrated. "You'd rather have her know that you looked up her internet passwords?"

"Yes!" Seto exclaimed. "It was just a matter of hacking into the government database, after all."

"The… government…" Shizuka faltered. "_Our_ government?"

"No, no," Seto said, waving his hand. "The Canadian government. They're planning on taking over the world someday and they're starting by compiling information on every person in the world. I figured out how to hack it and there's all sorts of interesting trivia. For example, did you know that Ryuji Otogi was born with a huge birthmark on his right ass cheek, and he didn't get it removed until he was sixteen so there's a scar?"

"Wait, can we talk more about this secret government database?"

"No," he replied promptly. "Civilians aren't to know."

"You're not worried that the Canadians will take over?" Shizuka demanded.

"No. I like maple syrup and saying 'eh'," Seto explained. "Besides, they're still working on the database right now. It takes a long time to dig up secrets like Otogi's cosmetic operations, so I figure it will be another twenty years before they are ready to move onto more strategic plans."

"Oh gosh," Shizuka moaned. "Okay, wait, we were talking about Anzu. There was an important point in there somewhere. Oh yes! Why would you rather her know that you cyber-stalked her than that you paid attention to her emotions?"

Seto didn't reply, but Shizuka figured it out anyway. "Oh, it's that nasty word, isn't it? _Emotions_. It's easier to be a technology genius than to feel things." She rolled her eyes.

"_Yes!_" Seto unexpectedly insisted. "It's a lot easier, and a lot less scary."

Shizuka, just as unexpectedly, reached out and touched his hand. "But in the end, not as worthwhile," she said softly.

* * *

_I can't believe I'm doing this_, Anzu thought, as she typed in "Kaiba Seto" on the Google homepage.

_Enter_.

The first website that came up was KaibaCorp, unsurprisingly. The rest of the first page was mostly business links, although entry #9 was a fan club. The description promised that there would be "shirtless photos of Kaiba Seto!"

"Yuugi's sense of humor has clearly suffered with all the attempts on his life," Anzu decided. "I bet someone knocked him real good on the head when we weren't looking." She clicked on the second page of the Google results anyway. Entry #11 was a link from the Domino Inquirer.

_New Orphanage Opens Thanks to Patron Kaiba Seto._

"What?" Anzu asked aloud, immediately clicking on the link. The text popped up first, and then inch by inch, a photograph loaded to accompany the article. Kaiba stood in front of a brand-new building, one arm wrapped around Mokuba, shaking the hand of a beaming older gentleman whom the caption identified as "Goto Masao, president of the Coalition Against Homeless Children".

_For the past 18 months, Kaiba Seto has been funding a miracle._

_Kaiba, universally known as the precocious president of Kaiba Corporations, pledged 4 million dollars last October to the Coalition Against Homeless Children, stipulating that the money be used to construct a new orphanage complying to a stringent set of health and safety ordinances, located in __Daitana Prefecture_. The prefecture (which encompasses Domino, Kaiba's home city) has been desperately in need of a facility for homeless children, but hadn't expected to be able to fund one thanks to the recent economic recession.

_Kaiba, despite being shy about his own time spent in an orphanage, responded immediately to the Coalition's plea for assistance…_

Anzu had to stop reading for a moment. She sat back and furiously rubbed at her eyes. She'd always known that Kaiba had cash to burn, but somehow she had never expected him to do something so… selfless. When he'd paid off all her neighbor's mortgages, she'd originally been almost annoyed at him for flaunting his money. But now she remembered old Mrs. Chan from next door, who had come over one evening nearly in tears, begging Anzu's parents (because Anzu herself had refused to have any part of it) to thank Kaiba for his generosity. Now, suddenly seeing him in a different light, she wondered if he had known all along what a kind thing he was doing.

She skimmed the rest of the article quickly, each new paragraph stunning her… _Kaiba Seto himself visited the temporary orphanage monthly, and was known to engage the children in games of backgammon and chess… KaibaCorp hosted a duel monsters party night for the children…_ When she was done, she backclicked so quickly that she almost broke the mouse, and continued to scroll through the Google results, searching for more articles.

_KaibaCorp sponsors local blood drive; CEO Kaiba Seto is first to donate_

_Kaiba brothers Seto and Mokuba surprise ill girl in Mokuba's class by paying for her brain surgery_

_KaibaCorp pledges 10% of profits from new Dragon Smackdown video game to disaster relief following earthquake in Baynia, a district largely employed by KaibaCorp_

_KaibaCorp board of directors, led by CEO Kaiba Seto, voluntarily slash own paychecks by 14% to avoid layoffs following a bad profit quarter_

Although she had just read a series of stories that could have been the scripts for Hallmark movies, Anzu was left feeling hollow and slightly ill, with only a sense that somewhere along the line, she had made a bad misjudgment.

* * *

"The first step is, of course, toning things down," Shizuka explained carefully.

Kaiba merely grunted.

"Remember when you told me that I couldn't have a motorized trampoline _and_ an inflatable jet plane?" Mokuba chimed in. "Just do that with your personality."

Shizuk was now sitting between the two Kaiba siblings in their spacious kitchen, enjoying an afternoon snack. She debated asking Mokuba to expand on a description of his toys, but decided that such a query had the potential to lead the conversation far off track.

"That means no asking Anzu out every time you see her," Shizuka informed Seto. "No acting offended when she doesn't worship the ground you walk on. No assuming you are so perfect that she's destined to fall head-over-heels in love with you."

"Think of it as saving your pride," Mokuba added. Shizuka found herself impressed with the younger boy's perfected manipulation of his older brother.

"And no need to flaunt yourself, either," Shizuka continued. "Believe me, we all know exactly how good-looking, rich, and smart you are." On second thought, this probably wasn't the best way to convince Seto to be modest. She hurried on, "Anzu knows all these external things about you, and she is _not _impressed by further macho displays. Now you need to convince her – _subtly_ – that your personality is worth her time."

Seto opened his mouth, closed it again, considered carefully, then simply said, "Okay."

"Excellent!" Shizuka said, delighted. "You _are_ a fast learner!" As an added bonus, Kaiba's smile was only a little bit smug.

They practiced humble conversation for a few minutes, before Shizuka decided to broach the next topic. She waited until Seto was drinking from his glass of iced tea, deliberately trying to catch him off-guard but hoping that his famed composure would prevent him from spitting tea all over the table.

"Even I hate to say this, but I think the next step is to befriend her friends."

Unfortunately, she apparently overestimated Kaiba Seto. He choked and sprayed her and Mokuba with 100-percent natural, imported, diet 'hint of strawberry' iced tea.

Shizuka resignedly patted herself dry with a napkin while Seto sputtered, and Mokuba piped up, "I've been telling him to take that step for a long time!" He punctuated this by taking a vigorous bite of his carrot stick.

"You know Mokuba, I'd never really pictured you as a veggie type of person," Shizuka remarked, momentarily distracted.

"Why not? Celery sticks are my favorite! They're yummy with dressing, but even better plain!"

"When you say 'friends'…" Seto said cautiously.

"You know who I mean by Anzu's friends," Shizuka countered. "I'm not saying that you need to become best buddies and have sleepover parties, but you should get used to them. If you want to date Anzu, you'll have to accept that they'll be a part of her life."

"But isn't this part negotiable?" Seto nearly whined. "I mean, I'm going to make plenty of changes by lowering my level of awesomeness-"

"Modesty, big brother!" Mokuba scolded as he got up to look in the fridge. "Remember the first lesson?"

"-so shouldn't she be willing to make a change by dumping those losers?" Seto took note of the look in Shizuka's eyes, and quickly changed tactics. "I mean, actually, I've already made pretty good progress, haven't I? You and I get along, and Yuugi is such a sucker that I can get him to be nice to me anytime I want – I don't even have to ask or anything."

"I agree that we can't expect _too_ much more from you," Shizuka said. "But-"

"Aw, man! We're out of _broccoli!_" Mokuba exclaimed from across the room.

"-I do expect a little bit more out of you," Shizuka continued. "Think of it as a business meeting. Even when you don't like your business partners, you are diplomatic about it, right?"

Seto remembered one memorable meeting where a representative from Yoko Technologies had been giving him attitude for still being enrolled in high school so Seto had subsequently slipped a cockroach down the man's pants, and quickly made the executive decision not to bring that up. Instead he nodded.

"So you can be diplomatic to my brother," Shizuka finished. There was a moment of silence, and then everyone in the room considered how Seto really had gotten more mature, if he could let a reference to Jounouchi slide without incident.

"I could be," Seto said reluctantly. _Not 'I will be'._

"Excellent!" She leaned forward. "I was thinking that you two could have a duel after school. I'll talk with him and get him to agree to it. All you need to do is actively refrain from insulting him. Do you think you can handle that?"

"He can handle it," Mokuba said, coming back to the table with a big bowl of cauliflower and giving Seto a stern look. "Just imagine how impressed Anzu will be if you have a civil duel with Jounouchi."

"I was also thinking that you should work in two compliments," Shizuka continued, ignoring Seto's involuntary shudder. "Just two little compliments. Tell him 'nice move' at some point, and after you beat him, say 'good game'."

"You know I'll beat him?" Seto asked interestedly.

"I don't think you'd let yourself do anything less," Shizuka said with a sigh.

* * *

Jounouchi was getting a plate of Shizuka's homemade brownies out of this (every week for a month), and of course he never turned down a good duel, but Shizuka had failed to convince him that Kaiba really would be civil during their after-school match. As a result, he nearly fainted when Kaiba casually remarked "nice move" after Jounouchi's Jinzo negated Crush Card, and he blamed his subsequent loss on his confusion over the lack of insults.

"Good game," Kaiba said with a nod.

"Ohhh, I can't deal with this," Jounouchi said with a moan. "Is this some crazy new strategy to intimidate your opponents? What's next, are you going to smile at me?"

Seto had actually been seriously considering this for the next time he dueled Yuugi, and was a little annoyed that Jounouchi ruined his demonic surprise. But then he realized that Yuugi would just have taken a smile as a sign that Seto was ready to get matching T-shirts and join the bff! club, so he was able to forgive Jounouchi. And then, thinking of Yuugi's annoying perkiness gave Seto a wonderful, terrible idea, and before he could talk himself out of it, he raised his hand for Jounouchi to give him a high-five.

Jounouchi considered it one of his greatest personal weaknesses that he could never turn down a high-five – and, in general, he was too easygoing to snub so obvious a gesture of good will. So let it be known that at 3:47pm on Friday, April 23, Jounouchi Katsuya and Kaiba Seto exchanged a hand clap that was not the precursor to a fist-fight.

Anzu watched all this from the sidelines, between a cheering Yuugi and amused Honda, completely silent. She had tripped coming down the stairs that morning, and while up to this moment she believed she had regained her balance, now she was wondering if in fact she had split her head open and this was all a vivid hallucination as her brains oozed onto the floor.


	6. In which Kaiba Seto learns to woo

**Chapter 6 – In which Kaiba Seto learns to woo… the right way**

* * *

Note: I know that my little joke about Mokuba and the veggies is so noncanon… even his wikia page says that his least favorite food is celery! Anyway, I'd say that the end of this chapter is more 'heartwarming' than 'funny' but I hope you like it even so! Thank you all again for reading and sticking with this story, especially my amazing reviewers. Be on the lookout for more stories from me! I have a Seto/Anzu and Jou/Mai dramatic oneshot plus a Seto/Anzu fantasy multichapter story in the works. Any other suggestions are welcome! What pairings, plots, settings, etc do you want to see?

* * *

"Aren't you a little young to know that places like this even exist?" Seto asked Shizuka, frowning.

"A bar?" Shizuka rolled her eyes. "Yes, bars are top-secret organizations that you're only allowed to learn about once you hit eighteen. Stop scratching your head!"

"This wig is itchy," Seto whined.

"And don't wipe your face in case any of that makeup comes off," she said, frowning back at him. "I'll be waiting in the car with Mokuba, doing some homework."

"I think this is a dumb plan," Seto glowered. "We already know I can pick up any girl I want. And I _only_ want to pick up Anzu."

"That's very touching," Shizuka said, softening. "But we know that _Kaiba Seto_ can pick up any girl he wants – because of the name, the fame, the fortune."

"That's very poetic," Seto said.

"But we don't know that your charming personality is attractive to girls yet," Shizuka continued. "That's why you are dressed like that."

Seto sighed. Shizuka had put him in jeans and a T-shirt, slapped an ugly (and itchy) sandy-brown wig on his head that made him look like he never washed his hair, made him wear nondescript brown contact lenses, and – as the final insulting touch – used makeup pens to draw acne scars all over his face.

"Here," she said. Earlier she'd snatched his wallet; now she put a few bills into his hand. "This is enough for about three drinks. Spend it wisely." She took a step back and surveyed him. "Now you look like an average guy with an average amount of money. Your mission is to learn how _normal_ guys have to flirt with girls, so hopefully you can flirt with Anzu without tripping over your ego next time."

"I don't trip, I have perfect balance," Seto muttered, quietly enough so that she wouldn't hear him.

"Don't come out until you've broken a heart," Shizuka said, disappearing into the tinted limousine ostensibly to do homework, but probably really hatching more diabolical schemes with Mokuba.

* * *

Seto's first plan of attack was to walk in the bar and take a seat in a prominent position and wait for his fans to come swarming. When that failed, he was momentarily stumped.

_It's good that no one recognizes me_, he consoled himself. He would hate to be seen like this, in a stupid wig with this makeup on.

Well, he wanted to complete his assignment and get out of here fast. He walked up to the first likely-looking candidate, a petite, friendly-looking pink-haired girl sitting alone on a bar stool. "Ever ridden in a jet plane before?" he asked her, smirking. She rolled her eyes at him and stalked off. His night went downhill from there.

_Okay_, Seto thought an hour later. _Girls don't want to hear about my… how did Shizuka put it? My name, fame, or fortune. They don't want me to correct their grammar._ He tried not to sigh – Anzu always had good grammar. _They don't want to make fun of Yuugi with me. They don't want to start a philosophical discussion on Kantian ethics. What do girls want?_

He had posed that very question at the start of his journey into the heart of Anzu, first phrasing it as "How do you win a girl's heart?" and later, admittedly slightly more aggressively, "I demand to know how to win the affections of a stubborn female!" True, he only really cared about what Anzu wanted, but as Shizuka had explained when she first proposed this plan, he ought to learn how to be suave and charming in general. Or, as Mokuba had clarified, "It's personality development, big brother."

_Sincerity. I can't buy it, so I'll have to fake it._

Seto walked over to a group of girls and singled one out, a wide-eyed, sweet looking redhead. "I really like your bracelet," he said, doing his best to appear bashful.

"Oh – thanks," she said, clutching the gold charm bracelet. "It was a gift from my grandmother."

"That's sweet!" Seto exclaimed, trying not to choke on the words. "Do the charms mean anything?"

"Well, yes, actually," she smiled at him. "This one is from Paris, she took me there when I turned sixteen." She held up the charm to show him. "And this one is from Firenze, the city where she met my grandfather…" Seto pulled up a seat beside her and listened attentively.

* * *

"Mokuba, what's the square root of eleven?" Shizuka asked, peering at her math homework. "I forgot a calculator."

"It's three-point-five-seven-two," Mokuba responded. "Is it okay that I rounded it to three places, or do you want me to be more specific?"

She stared at him for a very long moment before he grinned. "Nah, I made that up."

"You," Shizuka began, and then movement from outside the limousine caught her attention. "Good gracious," she said, staring.

Seto emerged from the bar with a woman on his right arm, two on his left, and three more behind them, each girl giggling and staring adoringly at him.

"Ladies, I must be off," he said, stopping and gallantly shaking them away. "I'll call you later."

"Oh, don't go yet, it's not even dark out!" one girl protested.

"Unfortunately, I go to sleep early, because I have to get to my very average job as a cashier early in the morning," Seto explained, shaking his arm extra hard to dislodge the last girl. "Goodbye!"

Shizuka was still frozen, so Mokuba leaned over her to open up the door to the limousine and Seto did a neat, desperate swan dive inside. "Step on it, Jiro!" he barked at the driver, who obligingly cut into traffic, causing eight other cars to slam on their brakes and honk.

"So now that we've established that my personality is as charming as the rest of me," Seto said, ripping off his wig and throwing it to the ground, followed shortly by a crumpled-up piece of paper that had the phone numbers of a dozen different women. "Can I go home now?"

* * *

Anzu spent all of Saturday pacing the house, guilt-stricken that she had been so mean to Kaiba, who according to all those articles she'd read was so generous, and worried that he hadn't shown up to stalk her at all this weekend. Finally, shortly before sundown, she decided to get all of her nervous energy out by taking a bike ride.

She wasn't paying attention to where she was going, and forty minutes later, she stopped her bike right outside the Kaiba mansion.

"Well this is a nice switch," she sighed. Maybe she should go inside and ask Kaiba what he wanted for dinner, because she would go into the woods and collect any kind of fruit or meat that he wanted. Give him a taste of his own medicine.

Apparently she was that desperate.

As she stood there, seriously debating whether to knock on the door (maybe not to offer her services as a hunter-gatherer, but at least to say hello), a car pulled to a stop outside the gates.

"Just let us out here, Jiro, then you can take Shizuka home," Seto said as he emerged from the limousine. Anzu didn't hear this; she was too busy thinking of a reason for being there. A thousand different excuses flew through Anzu's head, and she forgot them all when she caught sight of him.

"Kaiba!" she gasped. "_Were_ you under a spell to be handsome? What happened? Did it wear off or did you make another sorcerer angry?"

"Huh?" he asked, then caught sight of his reflection in the car's window. He was still wearing makeup to make it look like he had acne scars, his eyes were no longer vivid blue but instead mud-brown, and his normally immaculate hair was tousled and sweaty from being under the wig all night. "Aaargh!" He tried to scrub his face off and mat his hair down simultaneously, which just made things worse. Then he tried to remove the contacts, but in his haste poked himself in the eye. "Aaargh!" he exploded again.

Anzu was babbling. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to pry, of course I don't care what you look like, I just thought that Marik was _joking_ when he said that-"

"Marik?" Seto asked, freezing with one hand clutching his eye and the other one holding his hair down.

Anzu also froze. "Ummm. Um, I should get back before it gets dark! See you at school!" She hopped on her bike and frantically pedaled away.

"No, wait, get back here, what are you talking about, Marik was joking?" he hollered, starting to chase her.

"Kaiba Seto!"

He paused, and looked back. Shizuka emerged from the limousine, scowling at him. "And you think that chasing Anzu is the best way to woo her?" she asked rhetorically. "Give her a while to calm down. You can call to make sure she gets home safely."

Seto gritted his teeth. Anzu stopped pedaling away and craned her head back to look, seeing Seto turn away from her and walk back to where Shizuka was standing. Anzu's breath caught, and she looked forward quickly, pedaling away even faster than before.

"Uh-oh," Shizuka said, watching her go.

"Uh-oh what?" Seto asked crankily.

"Uh-oh, I think she thought we were on a date," Shizuka said apologetically. "Where's Mokuba? Mokuba! Why couldn't you come out and let her see that the three of us were together?"

"Sorry," he said, finally coming out of the car. "I was trying to figure out the square root of eleven." He held up his scrap paper. "But then I remembered that my phone has a calculator on it."

"Well, are you going to call her and explain?" Seto demanded. Shizuka considered this carefully, then shook her head. "No."

In the space of three seconds, Seto ran through his options. He could shake her until she agreed to call Anzu; he could bribe her, blackmail her, or murder her. However, he figured that Anzu wouldn't be impressed by any of those things, so instead he asked "Why not?"

"Well, I think _you_ should be the one to tell her," Shizuka said reasonably. "And I don't mean that you should call her up right this second and explain that we're not going out; I think that would just make her suspicious. The lady doth protest, you know. Not that you're a lady."

"I know," Seto said sharply. "I have that play memorized. It's _the lady doth protest too much, methinks,_ often misquoted as _methinks the lady doth protest too much_."

"Is this how you picked up girls at the bar?" Shizuka interrupted in disbelief.

"No," Seto said, and now he looked sheepish. "None of them cared very much for Shakespeare, in fact."

* * *

"Did you ever get around to Googling Kaiba?" Yuugi asked Anzu at lunch on Monday, watching her eyes carefully.

Jounouchi noisily choked on his milk, and Honda exclaimed, "What kind of girl do you think she is?"

"Like the search engine," Ryou interjected quietly.

"Oh…"

"Yes," Anzu said brusquely.

"What did you think?"

"Well… I couldn't believe that the paparazzi followed him to the beach, and I was even more shocked that they actually used waterproof cameras to get pictures of him swimming. He does have really nice legs, although I think his form is a little off when he does the butterfly stroke. You can tell by how bent his spine is."

"Oh, you've been on that fan club website too?" Honda asked. "Don't you agree that the one of him in spandex and that cape is photo-shopped?"

"So is Shizuka going out with him or what?" Anzu asked Jounouchi, trying desperately to sound casual but her voice coming out squeaky anyway.

Yuugi gave her a funny look and Honda nearly leapt out of his seat, but Jounouchi just burst out laughing. "Shizuka? Dating Kaiba? Dating _anyone_? She's too young for that! She still thinks boys have cooties!"

Yuugi and Anzu exchanged a glance. "Are you _sure_ about that, Jounouchi?" Yuugi asked.

"You really think Shizuka thinks boys have cooties?" Anzu asked, equally doubtfully.

"Sure! Whenever some guy makes a pass at her when I'm around, she has me give her a cootie shot." Jounouchi demonstrated in the air. "Circle, circle, dot, dot…"

Honda smirked.

"What about all those shirtless samurai pictures decorating her room?" Anzu asked.

"Hey! She said she likes their hairstyles, okay!" Jounouchi exclaimed, pointing a finger at her.

Yuugi, Honda, Ryou, and Anzu somehow managed to make simultaneous eye contact and convey the message, _Jounouchi seems happy to be deluding himself, let's not clue him in just yet. _Honda's eyes added, _If he thinks she's not interested in dating I totally have a shot with Shizuka without him breathing down my neck!_

"So she just likes hanging out with him?" Anzu asked, breathing more easily (although why that should be, she had no idea. Maybe she was allergic to something that had been in the room a moment ago?).

"Yeah, she likes it," Jounouchi said with a sigh. "I'm still not crazy about the fact that she spent practically all weekend over there, but I can't complain because he's gotten her to eat way healthier. Last weekend she went through a pint of ice cream by herself, but now she's getting cravings for salad. She says that the Kaibas have the best salad because apparently Mokuba has his own vegetable garden."

"Thank you for the compliment, Jounouchi," Seto said politely, in passing. "I'll be sure to pass it on to Mokuba."

They stared at his retreating back in silence for a long thirty seconds before Honda broke the quiet. "Look, man, are you _sure_ you didn't do anything to Kaiba?" he asked, turning to face Ryou. "This is just too weird."

* * *

"Don't you dare come over here and be nice to me, Kaiba Seto," Jounouchi said loudly on Tuesday, pointing a finger at Seto. "I'm onto your dirty tricks!"

Seto ignored Jounouchi's threat and pushed his way through the between-class throng of students to drape a friendly arm around the blonde's shoulders. "What do you say, buddy?" he asked cheerfully. "Should we set up our younger siblings? If Shizuka and Mokuba started dating, we would practically be brothers!"

When Jounouchi was younger, he'd been obnoxious and stubborn (and if Seto could follow his train of thought, he would have snidely remarked in his own head, "And what exactly has changed?"). To be even more obnoxious, he'd memorized how to say the word "no" in fifteen different languages, and that came in quite handy now.

"Wha-?" he sputtered. "Did you seriously – you said – ugh! No! No! Hakuna! Nie! Non! Geen! Nien!"

"Your accent is off," Seto told him, glancing surreptitiously over Jounouchi's shoulder. Anzu was still walking on Jounouchi's other side, and now she was so distracted that she was staring at the pair of them while still trying to move.

"Oof!" "Careful!" "Watch it, Masaki!" The words of her classmates as they bounced off of her meant nothing to Anzu. She was listening intently to Seto's conversation with Jounouchi.

"You're right," Seto said, releasing Jounouchi and patting him on the arm. "Shizuka and Mokuba are both too young to date. We older brothers must be protective of the little ones, eh? See you in class!" he disappeared.

"He's going to do it," Jounouchi said mournfully. "He's going to trick me into being friends with him. One day I'll just have woken up and completely forgotten that he's a jerk so I'll go downstairs and we'll bake cookies together."

"You'll be living with Kaiba?" Honda asked.

"You don't even bake cookies with _us_," Yuugi pointed out.

"Cookies for breakfast?" Anzu asked, finally paying attention to her surroundings again and ducking out of the way before she walked directly into half of the football team.

"So," Shizuka said later that day. "Did you find a way to let Anzu know that you and I aren't dating?"

"Absolutely," Seto said with a smirk. "A very clever way."

"That's nice," an oblivious Shizuka said.

* * *

"Hey there," Seto said warmly to Benjiro, his favorite child in the orphanage, a scrawny boy of about three years old with messy black hair that reminded him of Mokuba's.

Benji gave a large, toothless grin, paused for a moment, then ran and launched himself into Seto's arms. Seto laughed with surprise and stumbled backward, but managed to catch the little boy and hoist him into the air.

"I think this place looks great," Mokuba chirped as he skipped by. "The new Dayton County orphanage is definitely an improvement over that yucky old one."

"Yeah!" Benji agreed, wrapping his arms around Seto's shoulders. "No more yucky old one!"

"Thank you again, Mr. Kaiba, for all you've done," Goto Masao said quietly, standing nearby. His voice was brimming with emotion. "Funding this place was gift enough, but we really can't thank you enough for the generous donations of toys for the children… or for KaibaCorp's sponsoring of event nights like this."

To Seto's horror, his own eyes were getting suspiciously misty, so he gruffly barked, "No problem. Glad to do it." Goto, the president of the Coalition Against Homeless Children, had come to understand the stolid CEO, and merely smiled as Kaiba hurried away, still clutching onto Benji.

"Where do you want to sit?" he asked the little boy, who pointed to a spot on the floor near the front of the audience. Kaiba agreeably sat on the floor off to the side and leaned against the wall; Benji snuggled into his lap.

There was general consensus between the representatives of KaibaCorp and the Coalition Against Homeless Children that Mokuba was the more affable of the Kaiba brothers – although both boys were adored by the children of the orphanage – and so Mokuba had been granted the honor of emceeing the evening's festivities.

"Hello again, everybody!" Mokuba greeted from onstage, and the children in the audience gave him a loud round of applause. "We – everyone else from KaibaCorp and I – are really glad to be here this evening." Seto and the other KaibaCorp employees there raised their hands in acknowledgment of a second round of applause. "This is Very Variety Fest, a variety show put on by several local groups. First up, we have the Roba brothers, here to do a circus act for you! Please welcome the Roba brothers!"

Esper led his brothers onstage, giving Seto a grin and a wink. Kaiba nodded his head back. It had been Mokuba's idea to invite the Roba brothers to perform and they had of course accepted; not only was it for a good cause, but they all felt as if they owed Mokuba for letting them off the hook after being caught cheating during Battle City.

Following the Roba brothers, there were musicians playing a perky jazz number, and a magician doing card tricks. Last time, the magician had asked for Kaiba's Blue-Eyes White Dragon, to make the card disappear. Seto had taken the man backstage before the show this time and calmly threatened to rip his face off if he tried a stunt like that again.

Seto was feeling pleasantly drowsy by the time the magician bowed and took his leave – he'd had a long day, and it was so comfortable in here, with warm Benji on his lap and the giggles of excited children filling the room – and he therefore didn't recognize the girl walking onstage until Mokuba announced, "And next, we have some special guests tonight. The Domino Ballerina Troupe has agreed to perform a dance from their latest ballet, _Giselle_. First, Mazaki Anzu would like to say a few words."

Seto bolted upright, staring in unabashed shock as Anzu, in a modest pink tutu and blushing brighter than her outfit, stepped up to the microphone. There were nearly a dozen other ballerinas gathered behind her, all girls. Some of them looked a little uncertain about why they were here, but from the trusting looks they were giving Anzu, it was clear that she was their ringleader. One of the little girls in the audience exclaimed "Look at their _beautiful_ dresses!", and the ballerinas giggled and relaxed.

"Hello," Anzu said into the microphone, and winced at the feedback. The children cheerfully called "Hello!" right back, which lent Anzu some courage.

"This performance is dedicated to Kaiba Seto," she said, her face flaring up brighter than before. "Because… well…"

"Because he's awesome!" yelled Manzo, a brash pre-teen. Other children laughed and called out their agreement.

"Because he's awesome," Anzu agreed, looking as if she wanted to sink into the floor and never be seen again. She managed, however, to pull herself together and look at Seto in the eyes from across the room.

"Thanks, Kaiba," she said quietly. "For everything you've done here… and for everything you've done for me." With that, she hurried away as if the microphone was on fire. Someone hit a button, and sweet music filtered out from speakers set up around the stage. The ballerinas rose en pointe, then the blonde in the middle twirled, and they were all swept away into the dance.

Benji sat up straighter too, leaning forward along with Seto and the rest of the people in the room. Children and adults alike were fascinated with the graceful movements, the elegant spins and leaps, the fluid dancers keeping perfect time with the music. But Seto kept his eyes locked on only one lithe figure. He'd seen Anzu dance before; he and Mokuba agreed that an appreciation of the arts was important, and had seen a few local performances along with more famous troupes. But the fact that she was dancing _here_… that she said she was doing it for _him_…

He sat, frozen, neglecting even to clap when the rest of the room broke into enthusiastic applause at the end of the performance. He barely noticed when Anzu's worried blue eyes swept over him and noticed his unnatural stillness. She bowed her head and rushed offstage, the other girls more slowly following her, and all the while Seto sat still.

* * *

_I'm glad I did it_, Anzu thought. She trudged home despondently, following the long shadow cast by the setting sun at her back. After the show, she'd paused only long enough to change, then raced for the door.

"Don't you want to stay, Anzu?" one of her fellow ballerinas had asked. "I think the rest of us are going to go outside and play with the kids."

"That's great," she said, managing a weak smile. "I'm glad that you are. Maybe I'll stay next time, but right now I'm not feeling too well."

"Well, go home and get some sleep then," another girl had advised her, giving her shoulder a friendly squeeze. "I'm glad you talked the rest of us into this. I had fun. And those kids are so sweet."

_I'm definitely glad we did it. I just wish… I guess I just wish Kaiba hadn't been there_. She gave a weak snort. Yes, she'd planned it all for him, wondering if there was still a chance she could make things up to him, apologize for turning him down so much, and hoping that he was still interested. But seeing his expressionless face had been answer enough.

"Hope I didn't embarrass him too much," Anzu said with a sigh. Maybe, if nothing else, they could strike up a civil relationship. He seemed to be making progress in that area. And maybe, if he would agree to give friendship a try, she could eventually convince him that she really was a nice person, not too frigid, and maybe…

She was so lost in thought that she made it almost all the way to her front door before registering that there was a person sitting on her doorstep. She shrieked and stumbled backwards, causing Kaiba Seto to start and nearly drop his handful of flowers.

"Kaiba!" Anzu blurted, regaining her balance. "I – sorry! You surprised me sitting right there!" She stepped forward, hand clutched against her pounding heart. "How – how did you beat me home?"

Seto started to explain, then remembered Shizuka's advice about toning things down, and decided not to tell Anzu about the Blue-Eyes White Dragon-shaped jet parked in her backyard. "I walk fast," he said lamely.

"…oh." She stood in front of him awkwardly, shifting her weight from foot to foot. He sat on her doorstep, gazing up at her as if in a trance. Finally he shook his head, snapping back into the moment, and held up the small bouquet of orange lilies. "These are for you," he said quietly, without a trace of his old arrogance. To Anzu's astonishment, she nearly burst into tears.

"Thanks," she said, and stopped talking before she could do something silly. She accepted the bouquet, pretended to sniff it while really holding back tears, then gingerly sat on the doorstep next to Kaiba, carefully keeping a few feet of distance between them.

A few minutes of silence passed, while they both watched the last few traces of daylight fade from the sky. When the last ray of sun disappeared over the horizon, Kaiba turned to her with a soft, crooked grin. He studied her as if seeing her for the first time, and Anzu felt her face blossom once more into a huge blush. She hoped that the dusky night was disguising her pink face a little bit.

"Do you want to get coffee sometime?" Seto asked her. And although his voice came out steadily, not with arrogance but with calm assurance, his eyes flicked to the side and Anzu suddenly realized that he was nervous. _Miracle of miracles_.

She waited to give her response until she was sure her voice would sound normal. It took her so long to gather herself that Kaiba started to draw away, his eyes downcast.

"_Yes!_" Anzu blurted, throwing her body across the concrete doorstep and somehow gracefully ending up in Kaiba's lap, her nose buried in his shoulder. She began to, mercifully, giggle and not cry. Kaiba was clearly startled, although his reaction (doubly mercifully) was to give a surprised laugh.

"After coffee," Anzu began to ask through her giggles, raising her face to look right into Seto's. Their eyes locked, and suddenly their laughter dried up.

Seto leaned forward, gingerly, and Anzu let him. Right before their lips brushed for the first of many times to come, Anzu asked, "And after coffee, can we get married?"

* * *

EPILOGUE:

"Thanks again, Shizuka, for training Kaiba," Anzu said with a giggle as the other girl fixed her hair.

"He was always right for you, he just needed a little advice on how to ask someone out normally," Shizuka replied.

"It's not his fault," Anzu's mother chimed in. "He'd never met anyone quite as independent as you." She gingerly raised a white gossamer veil and placed it over Anzu's elegant updo.

"Independent? Is that a nice way of saying stubborn?" Anzu asked with a grin.

"Yes," her mother and Shizuka replied in unison.

"You bet," Nuuki added with a grin. The rest of Anzu's bridesmaids nodded their agreement, in between adjusting their own hair, dresses and heels and squealing with excitement. Anzu just laughed, not taking offense. After all, it was hard to upset her on her own wedding day.

"Hey gals," Jounouchi greeted, arriving at the door. "Am I allowed in?"

"Sure, big brother," Shizuka said cheerfully. "The groom's the only one not allowed to see Anzu."

"Heh," he snickered. "After this, I'm totally going to go tell Kaiba that I got to see Anzu in her dress before he did. That'll definitely get him mad."

"How did you end up a groomsman again?" Shizuka asked, rolling her eyes.

"Beats me," Jounouchi said with a shrug. "Kaiba says it's because he wanted all ugly groomsmen to make himself look better, but Otogi's also in the wedding party, and he's the prettiest of us all – whoa, Anzu, looking _good!_"

"Thanks for the elegant compliment, Jounouchi," Anzu said, pursing her lips, but she was secretly pleased.

"Is that the dress hand-spun from silkworm silk by eighty talented craftswoman?" Jounouchi asked, eyeing the delicate lacework.

"Yes," Anzu sighed. "When Seto first suggested it, I thought he was crazy… but it turns out that he paid each of those eighty women big bucks for their work on this dress, and their families all really needed the money." She beamed, thinking about her generous future husband.

"I can't believe you two waited five years to get married," Nuuki sighed. "He's so wonderful, how did you stand it?"

"I'm glad you did wait until after university," Anzu's mother said, coming over and hugging her. "And – I know you don't like it when I talk about Seto's money – but I'm glad that you're marrying someone rich enough to fly you home to Domino on a whim! If you two are insistent on moving to New York, at least we'll be able to visit whenever we want."

"There are perks to marrying a rich man," Anzu allowed. _But the biggest perk I'm getting out of this is Seto himself._

"Like this wedding," Shizuka offered, her lips twitching.

"What are you talking about?" Anzu asked airily. "It's a small garden wedding, just like I've always wanted."

"Uh-huh," Jounouchi said with a grin. "Anyway, I just came in to tell you that Kaiba is so nervous that he almost fainted, and Yuugi had to try to catch him – don't worry, we caught it on video. Gotta go, wedding's about to start – see you on the other side!" He dashed out, followed by Anzu's mother, who called back "I'll send your father in!"

"Oh-my-gosh-Anzu!" Choyo, her roommate and close friend from university and another of her bridesmaids, squealed and grabbed her hand. "This is so exciting! _Congratulations again!_"

"Thanks!" she said, grabbing Choyo's hand in return and giving an excited bounce. "I can hardly stand the suspense. I just want to say 'I do' already!"

"Girls, I believe it's time to take your places," Anzu's father said, appearing at the door. Her bridesmaids squealed and ran out to line up at the entrance to the garden, and as the music began, slowly proceeded down the aisle. Shizuka, as maid of honor, went last, turning around to give Anzu a thumbs-up before she walked down.

Anzu swallowed, her throat suddenly dry and her body feeling odd and weightless. She hadn't expected to feel nervous – after all, Seto had technically proposed to her over five years ago, long before their first date – but suddenly she felt trembly all over.

"You'll be fine," her father whispered, sensing her anxiety. "Has there ever been a time in the last five years that you've doubted whether Seto was the right one for you?"

"The time he let the Ishtars stay with him for a week after Marik accidentally set their house on fire," Anzu whispered back immediately. "It was very kind, but I questioned his sanity."

Her father just chuckled and tugged her hand, forcing her into motion. She hadn't even realized that the music had changed, but when they walked into the garden, she was greeted with the sight of hundreds of turned faces and sighs of _ooh_ and _aah_. She had eyes for only one man, however – the one standing at the other end of the carpet, who had been fidgeting nervously, but stilled when he caught sight of Anzu. Kaiba Seto, paler and graver than usual, stared at his future bride for a long moment until he remembered that he still needed to breathe. They inhaled at the same time, then let out a deep breath and smiled at each other.

Anzu continued down the white carpet, barely aware of her beautiful surroundings. As she had indeed always wanted, they were having a small garden wedding. Dozens of benches were scattered across a lush mat of green grass and the area was decorated with flowers creeping up trellises. There was a modest fountain in the background, beyond which was a shining hardwood floor for dancing.

As Anzu's father kissed her on the cheek, and she turned to greet Seto, a shadow passed overhead. Everyone glanced up to see a troop of dolphins swimming and leaping playfully through the ocean above.

Seto grinned at her. It had been his idea to have their wedding in a glass bubble underwater; he had officially proposed (ring and all) to Anzu in an aquarium, and she had talked about how much she loved the sensation of seemingly walking underwater while fish swam overhead. Together, they had selected the beautiful North Pacific Ocean off the coast of Hawaii as a perfect location.

"I'm not going too far with this, am I?" he had asked the wedding party at large during the planning stages.

They all exchanged glances. There was general consensus, "Probably."

Seto had just smirked. There was going too far, and then there was going just far enough to impress Anzu. Judging from the misty-eyed look of his bride now, as she uttered the words "I do!" a little more forcefully than was strictly necessary, he had finally learned to woo her the right way.


End file.
